Rules for Dating My Daughter

[Southern Breeze]

Those of you who have Daughters
may find this list appealing.


Rules for Dating My Daughter

Rule One
If you pull into my driveway and honk you"d better be delivering a package, because you"re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter"s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don"t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, infact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I"m sure you"ve been told that in today"s world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early"

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don"tyou do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden tool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid,. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a burglar.When my paranoia starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camoflaged face at the window is mine.

[pbpersson]

That's too funny!

[highlandcelt]

That is great! Every father who has a daughter, should pass that flier to the prospective date for your daughters!

[David Dalglish]

Brilliant-Gave me a good laugh

[mudd]

I like the "If you make her cry, I will make you cry" part.
That pretty well sums up how I feel about my daughter.

[MacHummel]

Thank You for posting that, as a new father my daughter has just reached 3 months and I need all "RULES" I can get my hands on for the future. Alsop when it comes time for her to date I have a carbon spring steel battle ready basket hilt broad sword I just show him how sharp the blade as I slice watermelons reminding him of his expected behavour.

[Sylvain]

Rule Nine:
I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid,. Be very afraid...When my paranoia starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home.

I don't find murder threats funny.

[KiltedKnight]

I don't find murder threats funny.

Sorry, I must have missed something. Where was the 'murder' threat? You must not get out much, there are some that simply deserve killing and there is a definable difference between 'murder' and 'killing'. Lighten up.

Chris.

[Sylvain]

Sorry, I must have missed something. Where was the 'murder' threat? You must not get out much, there are some that simply deserve killing and there is a definable difference between 'murder' and 'killing'. Lighten up.

Chris.

As I am not an English-speaker, I wasn't sure if my phrase was correct; I meant: «Je ne trouve pas les menaces de mort drôles.» Even, and more so, in a text about one's daughter dating.

And I'm not sure if anybody «deserves» killing. In «The Lord of the Rings», Frodo says to Gandalf that Gollum deserves death. Gandalf answers:
«Deserves it! I daresay he does. Many that live deserve death. And some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them? Then do no be too eager to deal out death in judgement.» Chapter I-2.

[mddock58]

Sylvain - The list is a Father's protective nature regarding HIS Daughter.

It is not to be taken literally. You say you are not an english speaker, so maybe this type of humor is difficult to understand, just as our slang terms do not hold their meaning through translation.