Some more Irish humor.

[beloitpiper]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an
important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said,
"Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every
Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

----------------------------------------

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read
in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

----------------------------------------

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for
speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the
priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of
the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water,"
says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it
again!"

----------------------------------------

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man
he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do, Father." The priest said, "then stand over
there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there
against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go
to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." The priest said, "I don't
believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want
to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you
were getting a group together to go right now."


Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

[Dirk Skene]

As a Catholic I must say those were good And I've not heard any of them before

[Monkey@Arms]

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."
The other guys responds proudly, "Yes, that I am."

The first guy says, "So am I. And where about from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I. And what street did you live on in Dublin?"
The other guys says, " A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith and it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited and says, "So did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 too."

About this time a woman walks in to the bar, sits down and orders a drink.
The bartender walks over to her shaking his head and muttering, "It's going to be a long night tonight."

The woman asks, "Why do you say that?"
The bartender replies, "The Murphy twins are drunk again.

Best regards,

Jake

[Arlen]

Paddy, Mick and Joe are sitting in the Pub with no money and no prospects but desperate for a pint. Joe says to the boys, 'Fellurs, I've been thinkin', and perhaps we should be getting ourselves some work.'
The boys agree and Joe heads off to the jobcentre to see what he can find.
Not ten minutes later he comes rushing down the street shouting, 'I've got it, lads! The woman at the jobcentre told me about a job in the forestry department that's perfect for the t'ree of us!'
'What is it?' Asks Mick.
Joe replies, 'The're lookin' for t'ree fellurs!'

[LK-13]

the O'Tool brothers are off to the country to do some fishing.
between the two of them they really have brought too much gear considering they are walking.
as they pass an elderly fellow, the chap says,
"you lads will no need all that clap trap to catch fish in these here parts;
you can just stand on a bridge around here and scoop fish out of the water with yer bare hands, so you can."
the O'Tool brothers think this is too good to be true but at the next bridge they give it a try...
Patty takes his brother James by the ankles and hangs him over the bridge.
moments pass.
Patty says "did you catch any fish yet?"
James replies " no not yet, but for God sakes pull me up there's a train comin'!!"

[Erisianmonkey]

Then of course, there's always this old groaner:

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in an orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "everyone's fine. I'm just off the liquor."

[elitekiltedcommando]

I love XMarks...

[Oldhiker]

so this Scottich general contractor is giving a tour of the house he is building to prospective buyers. In the bedroom he he openes the windows and hollars "Green side up!!" As the tour continues to the kitchen he opens the window again and hollars "Green side up!!" Final room of the tour he opens the living rooms window and hollars again "Green side up!!"

The prospective owners finally ask him why he keeps opening the window and shouting "Green side up!!"


Are you ready for his reply.

The Scottish general contractor says........ "Because I have subcontracted out the laying of the sod to an Irish crew!!"

My mother was Irish so please protect me... 97 lbs of fury when i pissed her off. LOL

[elitekiltedcommando]

so this Scottich general contractor is giving a tour of the house he is building to prospective buyers. In the bedroom he he openes the windows and hollars "Green side up!!" As the tour continues to the kitchen he opens the window again and hollars "Green side up!!" Final room of the tour he opens the living rooms window and hollars again "Green side up!!"

The prospective owners finally ask him why he keeps opening the window and shouting "Green side up!!"


Are you ready for his reply.

The Scottish general contractor says........ "Because I have subcontracted out the laying of the sod to an Irish crew!!"

My mother was Irish so please protect me... 97 lbs of fury when i pissed her off. LOL

YES!

[Graham]

You've probably heard these too...

Fellow walks into a pub in Belfast with a plastic bag under his arms. The bartender asks 'What's that?' 'Six pounds of semtex', he answers. 'thank goodness; I thought it was a bodhran!'" Or: "There was the fiddle player who, while visiting the local pub, was asked for a dollar to help pay for the funeral of a local bodhran player. 'Here's two dollars;' he says 'bury another.'"

and here's me doing a bodhran workshop this weekend!