#1 (and only because I hear it EVERY time I run into this individual - which is almost every time I'm kilted) - "Ah geez... how can you wear that, skirt-boy?" To which my reply is typically "Get bent, Jim." (He's coming around slowly.)

#2 - "Are you Scotch?" "No, but I have a bit of Scotch in me, and I'm planning on increasing the amount soon!"