so there I was screwing with my bagpipes, getting them ready for the big day.......my mom is walking towards the door to go into the house( did I mention that I was in her back yard?)
she stops at the door way, and all of the sudden starts to fall over to the side, at first I think that maybe she tripped, then I see her looking up and to the left....I think maybe there's something under the overhang of the roof that she's looking at......
then her head starts shaking......
then her arm thats not holding her up starts trembling......
and I realize......she's having a siezure.......
I could tell you what happened after that but its all relative......
call 911, ambulance ride......Doctors in and out of the room...CT scans....
well it turns out she has severe brain cancer.......and this after 6 years ago fighting and beating lung cancer........



I noticed the signs for the last few weeks, and told her she needed to see a Doc
but its already too late....by the time you SEE it ........its already too late.....

part my world is over....one of my best friends is dying.........
and
theres
NOTHING
I can do about it.........



I'm sitting here trying to help myself by typing what I feel....but I really don't know what I feel...
anger? anger that she didnt keep up with the followups her Doctor ( now retired) told her to do?
selfishness? that I don't want my mom to die....that its not fair to me?
sadness? that I will never be able to have those long talks that we always have again....that my two kids wont get to see their grandma anymore?
Kira....who ADORES her grandma....who has to see her EVERY DAY ....what do I say to her when its all said and done?
when Grandmas gone and and she says to me "want Grandma!"
how do you explain death to a two year old?
Gavin ....who really is never going to even remember his grandma. will it be easier for him? will he miss somthing that he never really had to begin with?
My nephews....who are old enough to understand whats going on...do I cry with them? or put on the brave face ?
my Dad.....who has been married to this wonderful woman for 36 years.....how will he do losing his love?

so many questions, and possibilities and not a single answer among them....

she's stable now in the hospital.... you may ask " why are you so resolute in the outcome? "



well lets go back to earlier this week...I called her new Doc, and told him what I was seeing in the way of her behavior and he set up an MRI for her today.
tonight at 5 pm he called saying that her MRI looked bad and we needed to get her in to see him ASAP......I didnt get the message till 11 Pm..... at 6:30 she had the siezure......and when I heard the message on my phone .......there was another message saying that we should just take her to the ER right away....that one came in at 6:20

I called the Doc office and talked to one of his partners, and even though I only heard "severe brain cancer" the last thing I heard was " I'm very sorry"

and when an oncologist says that ....its usually a very bad thing.........

I dont know what else to say really.....I'm going to try to spend as much quality time with her as possible, and make sure that she knows we all love her dearly.....and when that days comes.....I'm going to pipe her into heaven and make sure that God and everyone there knows she's comming

love one another.....

Scott