THE LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT OF

Mr. Jamie Panache, Moderator

Well, all my illnesses have finally caught up with me as I told you they would. I have been taken from this life too soon but that just may work out to my associate’s advantage. I’m sure you’re happy that I’m dead because it means you get my money – or so you hope.
Therefore, I, Jamie Panache, being of sound mind and body, do hereby bequeath my estate to the following:
To my dear partner, Ms. Pleater, I leave absolutely nothing because you’ve given absolutely nothing all your life—you’re only good at taking. That is unacceptable to me. Besides, I know my money would be wasted on you—spent on the booze that you so love more than anyone or anything. Sober up, or not. It makes no matter to me to see you drunk and poor.
To my second partner, Mr. Livingston, I leave the sum total of fifty cents. You’d do anything to make a buck except work hard for it so I’m not about to make it any easier for you. Besides, you already took your rightful inheritance when you embezzled from me. Moreover, I’m fully aware of your gambling losses. I hope the villains you borrowed from teach you and that assistant of yours a lesson. You’re as immoral, corrupt, and self-centered as they come - and your assistant is no better. That’s what you get for associating with someone from the wrong side of the tracks. Spend the money wisely.
To Mr. Wompet, now that I’m dead you can kiss any delusions you have about me goodbye and you’ll get nothing more from me. Arlen showed me your true colors and it’s a good thing because if he hadn’t opened my eyes to the lunatic you are, you’d be sitting pretty with all my money. I can see the hysteria and dramatics building—and I’m laughing here on the other side.
To Mr. Clockwork, my EX-employee, I leave you an old copy of the “The Highland Inquirer” gossip rag. After all, you’ve made a small fortune by selling secrets about my life to them so why not enjoy the result of your cloak and dagger acts now that you’ll have all this free time on your hands. Everyone, I would advise keeping your skeletons in your closet or they will soon be found on the front page of the Highland Inquirer.
To my dear friend and assistant, Mr. Dove, I leave you with my very best wishes, heartfelt thanks and the sum of $5,000,000. You’ve always been there for me, unlike the rest of my so-called friends, ready to help with anything I needed. That kind of friendship and loyalty is truly priceless. You shall reap the rewards of such loyalty. Know that I will always be close by.