Sir William,

I'm sorry, but you of all people should know that the offices of the Department of Highland Security cannot reveal the contents of "The Articles of Propriety and Regulations Regarding the Wearing of The Kilt" in a manner that may fall into the hands of unauthorized individuals.

For a replacement copy of "The Rules" please remit 12 box tops from shortbread and 12 pull tabs from Irn Bru and a self-addressed, postage-paid envelope to the address on the back of your decoder ring.