Here's the TRUTH about what goes on here...

Kelly and I fight like brother and sister. We spend all day harassing each other in a little room (10 X 15) and have to take breaks to kickbox. It's VERY fun to kickbox with a pair of 10 holed steel toe boots and see the FEAR in her eyes...

Kelly comes at me with 3 types of attack... The "Angry Rabbit" attack, the "Charging Bull" mode, and the "Stevie Wonder" defense.

The "Angry Rabbit" is when she squishes up her face, bares her teeth (i.e. fangs) and stares at you. She then makes this "hard obstructed breathing" type noise. She hyperventilates and foams at the mouth and little puddles of spit accumulate in the corners of her mouth like a rabid dog. She flails her arms at lightening speed as she approaches. This is really more amusing than anything.

The "Charging Bull" is when she puts her head down, scrapes her foot on the floor and puts her fingers aside her head and tries to ram me. This is the easiest to defend against as I just grab her by the back of the neck and force her to the ground like a dog.

The "Stevie Wonder" defense is something to behold... First, she'll turn her head to the side and look up into the air, as if to spot a plane overhead. Then, with slow mechanical resolve she'll move her arms out in front of her as if she's in a dark room looking for a light switch. When she comes into contact with her prey (usually me), she'll launch a full on assault into the "Angry Rabbit". The Stevie Wonder defense is just a "confusion tactic".

As for the "WHITE HOT DEATH", the stories are true. I make up a few songs every day about new ways to kill Kelly. Think of me as the "perverted and Angry Weird Al Yankovic of Irish Music". I usually just make up new lyrics to existing Irish songs or to songs on the radio. Every day, I also let her know what the WHITE HOT DEATH Du Jour is. I am running out of recipies though. Hey Chef, can ou help me cook up some SPECIAL dishes for Kelly? Here are some of my favorites...

Nice cold glass of WHITE HOT DEATH
Steaming hot bowl of WHITE HOT DEATH
Salami and WHITE HOT DEATH on Rye
WHITE HOT DEATH over Angel Hair Pasta
Cream of WHITE HOT DEATH...

The list goes on.

We COULD PROBABLY have orders out within a few hours if we didn't keep stopping to kick each other's A$$E$.

You think that "The Osbournes" and "Family Plot" are amusing? You guys gotta spend a day here. I am thinking of making it a pay per view event. Anyone know the number for Don King?