Who am I ?

[Ranald]

Hello to all my kilted brethren, as I said before in previous posts being here on Xmarks has given me a sense of pride and belonging and as such has made me a better person.But with that what has also come to the fore is to know where I've come from.
So , can anyone offer advice on how I go about looking for my mother who I have never seen ?
I have to tell you that this is me bearing my soul to the world and to type these words is actually very hard.
This one thing about me I think of everyday and is painfull, somedays I can cope others I cannot.
I feel that this is half of me that I don't know so as such I've only been given half a life.
My father and his family have been very tight lipped and have only told me the very least I needed to know.I was told at the age of 14 that the woman I called mother was not...but then again my heart already knew it.
Please help.
Best wishes Richard.

[Archangel]

You have my best wishes.
All I know about this subject is that the laws concerning it are in a state of flux and different in each country. The other is that sometimes it is a pleasant thing and sometimes a letdown.
Here in Canada, I believe they've established a central point where you either register that your open to being contacted, or they will ask the other if they wish to be contacted. This may be modelled on a British model, I have no idea.

There are some net sites, others may point you to them.

Not much help, I didn't want silence to be taken for apathy.

[MACKAY]

Hello to all my kilted brethren, as I said before in previous posts being here on Xmarks has given me a sense of pride and belonging and as such has made me a better person.But with that what has also come to the fore is to know where I've come from.
So , can anyone offer advice on how I go about looking for my mother who I have never seen ?
I have to tell you that this is me bearing my soul to the world and to type these words is actually very hard.
This one thing about me I think of everyday and is painfull, somedays I can cope others I cannot.
I feel that this is half of me that I don't know so as such I've only been given half a life.
My father and his family have been very tight lipped and have only told me the very least I needed to know.I was told at the age of 14 that the woman I called mother was not...but then again my heart already knew it.
Please help.
Best wishes Richard.

Obviously there is more here than just an altruistic search for a birth mother. IMHO I would suggest that you start by seeking out a professional to talk this though with prior to setting expectations or embarking on what could be a very emotionally challenging search for both you and your current family. This professional can be your religious mentor (Priest, Rabbi, etc.) or a mental health care professional. They can probably help you set a course of action and prepare you and your birth mom for a meeting if and when that occasion would arise.

Hope this helps and best of luck in your quest.

Brian

[Mr. Kilt]

I wish you all the best on your search for your birth mother. Here's a little "feel good" story that might give you some inspiration.

21 years ago my girlfriend and I made the very agonizing decision to put a baby girl up for adoption. My live-in girlfriend "accidently" got pregnant when we both were very young, very poor, and unable to look after our own selves, let alone a child. We gave our daughter up through a private adoption, so we were able to enjoy a couple of days with her in the hospital. She was 3 days old when we left her with the lawyer. Probably the most painful experience in my life. At least I managed to get a few pictures of her as a newborn.

Last year my daughter started to search for her birth parents. She managed to find her mother first, who in turn contacted me. We connected via email at first, then MSN messenger. It turned out that her adoptive parents split up when she was 3, and her mom never remarried. She was without a father figure for the majority of her life.

I was totally thrilled to have her contact me. We get along wonderfully. My wife and I flew out to her city at Easter in 2004 to meet her. Things went so well that she decided to move to our city to find work and continue her schooling. She gained a new "father", and I managed to get back the daughter I thought I'd never see again. Here's a picture of the two of us at our first meeting.



I realize not all situations will end up like mine, but it certainly gives you something to reach for.

Again, I send my best wishes that things work out for you.

[Dreadbelly]

And it was a kilted moment too...

I feel a little lump in my throat. Must have been a lot of emotion meeting her for the first time.

I don't know my father. But I do know that he was on America's Most Wanted.

What was it like meeting her? You two look similar. It must be a very happy moment.

I am happy for you man.

[GMan]

Richard,

I wish that at times that we could have a magic wand and all things that are not right with our world could vanish. However we do not.

I know that it would bring painful memories, but asking family members a little bit here and a little bit there and you bringing all the pieces together may be of some benefit. It may be like pulling teeth, and you may not get anywhere with it. But since I do not know your family it may not be a good idea, the dynamics of families can be very twisted.

What ever you decide to do to find the answers my heart goes out to you and I am sure many here feel the same way. No simple answers I know. Oh for that magic wand.

Take care my friend.

[Ranald]

Thankyou everyone for the kind words.
I have seen a councilor but that had no lasting effect, i've got little snippits of information from my father and his sister my aunt ,but simple put things don't add up and it makes me feel that I'm living a lie or I'm simply a mistake that no-one wants.
Until now my life has been quite busy but through one thing and another I find I have more time than anything else.
It's true what they say the devil makes work for idol hands.
This feeling is a wound that has never heeled.
I have to say that everything that I have set out to achieve I have succeeded in but saying that it's not enough.
I believe it's every childs right to know it's parents(or should be)and I would not wish this on anybody.
To know where one is going one has to know where one has come from.
It's sad that a woman has missed her son growing into a man, seeing all his trials and his succeeses to then see him have his own kids...It's a waste.
with thanks Richard.

[tomcherv]

I was adopted as an infant, so I never knew my birth parents. The information I have about them is very minimal. I was very lucky, though. My parents, the ones who adopted me, had always told me I was adopted, so I never had any big surprises.

Yes, there have been times when I've thought about trying to find out who my birth parents were, but I've never pursued it. I was lucky, I guess, in that I had a great childhood.

Not knowing all your background, I can't give you much help, but I do know that a registry exists in the US that uses any information you provide as a possible means to match adult adoptees with their birth parents. Both the adult adoptee and the birth parents have to provide information and want to find the other person for it to work. It's the Soundex Reunion Registry.

Maybe that will give you something else to work with. I wish you the best in whatever you decide. May your decision bring peace and happiness - both to you and those around you.

[davedove]

I do wish you luck, as you obviously really want this information. I hope you realize that your family may feel they are trying to protect you from something by being quiet on the subject, so don't judge them too harshly.

[Riverkilt]

Ranald,

What a great thread from your risk, thanks.

Everyone's entitled to know their biological history, for medical reasons if no other. Assume telling your parents that you're an adult now and entitled to know your history isn't working. Sad.

There's a wonderfully supportive and spirited site you might enjoy.

Bastard Nation. www.bastards.org Its North American, but I think you'll enjoy their spirit.

"Bastard Nation advocates for the civil and human rights of adult citizens who were adopted as children. Millions of North Americans are prohibited by law from accessing personal records that pertain to their historical, genetic and legal identities. Such records are held by their governments in secret and without accountability, due solely to the fact that they were adopted.

Bastard Nation campaigns for the restoration of their right to access their records. The right to know one's identity is primarily a political issue directly affected by the practice of sealed records adoptions. Please join us in our efforts to end a hidden legacy of shame, fear and venality."

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