For The Nurses

**Southern Breeze** · 13th April 06, 08:01 PM

This for all the Nurses out there, one of whom is my sister. Enjoy.

You Know You're A Nurse When..

The front of your scrubs read: 'Nurses...here to save your butt, not kiss it!'

You occasionally park in the space with the 'Physicians Only' sign, and knock it over

You've ever told a patient to 'move toward the light.'

You believe that all the patient needs is some vitamin A (Ativan)

You've ever run out of linens, syringes, IV fluid, meds, and patience, all at the same time

You believe some patients are alive only because it's illegal to kill them

You do the "only-27-more-minutes-of-the-shift-from-hell happy dance"

You always follow the rules, but are wise enough to forget them sometimes

You believe any family member who is more drunk (or more stupid) than the patient, is the real problem

You can't cure stupid

You believe, if it's wet and sticky and not yours, leave it alone!

You believe, just because someone's license date is before yours does not mean they know what they are doing.

You have seen more moons than the Hubble telescope

To you the phrase, "divide and conquer" means getting two coworkers to help you change the bedsore dressing in the crack of a 400-pound patient.

You ever, secretly, wanted to mix crazy glue into the lube while inserting a foley on a patient that has pulled out three catheters on your shift while restrained.

You own at least three pens with the names of prescription medications on them

You never get into an argument with an idiot, because they only bring you down to their level and then beat you with experience

You ever had a patient die shortly after saying, 'Hey, watch this'

You ever wished that they would make corrugated catheters to use on really annoying patients

You no longer have a gag reflex

You hope there's a special place in Hell for the inventor of the call light (& the cell phones we use on shift)

You believe not all patients are annoying; some are dead

You believe the definition of stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet

You think pizza, cookies, and coke make a balanced meal

You tell cops where to go without fear!

You can only tell time with a 24-hour clock

You've ever thought, 'Patients, God love 'em, because today, I sure don't!'

You believe that saying, 'It can't get any worse' causes it to get worse just to show you it can

You wash your hands before you go to the bathroom

You call some of your coworkers 'Flowers in the Field of Medicine' because they're bloomin' idiots

You've ever used the acronym F.T.D. (Fixin' to Die) or L.T.B.B (Lucky To Be Breathing)

You've ever thought a blood pressure cuff as an excellent Christmas gift

You've ever spent more money on a stethoscope than on a car payment

You notice that you use more four-letter words now than before you became a nurse

You think it is acceptable to use "penis" and "vagina" in a normal conversation

You look in your closet and can't find anything non-medical to wear

You believe any job where you can drive to work in pajamas is a cool job

Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong and if nothing has gone wrong, you've obviously don't understand the situation

Everyone gets treated exactly the same---until they P### YOU OFF!

The ER is a mixture of can do, can't do, and why the #### not!

You can identify the following Syndromes: F.O.L. (Full Of Liquor) A.D.A.S.T.W. (Arrived Dead And Stayed That Way) W.O.T.A.M. (Waste of Time & Money)

You consider tongue depressors and emesis basins as eating utensils

You have placed your irritating patients/family members on P.I.T.A. (Pain In The A##) precautions!

Ever referred to KY jelly as "Goober Grease".

You know it's a full moon without having to look at the sky

You have ever referred to a patient as "genetically challenged"

You've developed a crease between your brows from trying NOT to inhale the various human secretions you've encountered over the years

Eating microwave popcorn out of a clean bedpan is perfectly natural

You've been exposed to so many x-rays that you consider it a form of birth control

Your bladder can expand to the same size as a Winnebago's water tank

You've ever held a 14-gauge needle over someone's vein and said, "Now your going to feel a little stick"

You refer to motorcyclists as organ donors

You've ever had a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring and twelve earrings say, "I'm afraid of shots"

You stare at someone in utter disbelief when they actually cover their mouth to cough

You automatically multiply by three the number of drinks a patient claims to have daily

You can keep a straight face when a patient responds, "Just two beers"

You develop Carpal Tunnel Syndrome from constantly locking and unlocking the Narcotic Cabinet

Your idea of a meal break is finishing your coffee before it gets cold (I'm trying to remember the last time...)

You think "awake and stupid" is an appropriate choice for mental status

You've ever bet on someone's blood alcohol level

Discussing dismemberment over a meal seems perfectly normal

You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac

You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce

You believe the 'On-call Nurse' program is a satanic plot

You believe unspeakable evils will befall you if the word 'quiet' is uttered

You believe every waiting room should have a Valium salt lick

You believe you have patients who are demonically possessed

You believe waiting room time should be in proportion to the length of time from symptom onset (You've had pain for 3 weeks...have a seat, we'll get to you in 3 days)

You refer to vegetable and you don't mean the food group

You know the local detox center number by heart

You believe the lab should have a 'dumb ****' profile on the lab requisition slip

You firmly believe that 'too stupid to live' should be a diagnosis

You have to leave the patient before you begin to laugh uncontrollably

You believe a book entitled 'Suicide: Getting it Right the First Time' will be your next project

You find humor in other people's stupidity

Your idea of fine dining is sitting down to eat

You believe a good tape job will fix anything

You get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf down your food, even in the nicest restaurants

Your idea of a good time is a Code Blue at shift change

You don't believe 90% of what you're told, and 75% of what you see.

You have your weekends off planned a year in advance

You feel that most suicide attempts should be given a free subscription to "Guns and Ammo" magazine

You've ever had a patient look you dead in the eye and say, "I don't know how that got stuck in there"

You have ever restrained someone...and it wasn't a sexual experience

Your feet are slightly fatter and tougher than Fred Flintstone's

Your immune system is well developed that it has been known to attack and kill squirrels in the backyard

You have recurrent nightmares of being hit and run over by the portable x-ray machine