If I recall from my reading of one of Miss Manners’ books on etiquette, the general rule of thumb is that it’s a host’s job to make her guests comfortable, and it’s the guest’s job to do nothing to offend the host deliberately. While you are still your parents’ child, having fled the nest, you are now their guest when in their home. I think you made the right choice by leaving the kilt home.

On the other hand, how would you have known that pining for your kilt in your out-loud voice would have yielded such a cruel rebuke from your mother? I imagine that you saw it as an opportunity to probe whether her smiling and curiosity over the photos in your home was a sign of acceptance. Denying that you had even been there at all to honor your father on his birthday seems particularly harsh to me, especially over wardrobe matters. A gracious host might have offered to lower the temperature on the AC or to take you shopping for a pair of breezy Bermuda shorts, sidestepping an uncomfortable moment.

Without knowing your situation, it would be hard to say whether the kilt is a proxy for other concerns that your parents have for you. Even as adults, most of us still desire and seek approval from our parents, but tensions arise when we make choices that challenge their worldview. I know many people who choose not to discuss their differences with their elderly parents; they are content to know that they love each other, even though they don’t agree on everything.

Regards,
Rex in Cincinnati