Rules for Dating My Daughter

[Southern Breeze]

Those of you who have Daughters
may find this list appealing.


Rules for Dating My Daughter

Rule One
If you pull into my driveway and honk you"d better be delivering a package, because you"re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter"s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don"t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, infact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I"m sure you"ve been told that in today"s world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early"

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don"tyou do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden tool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid,. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a burglar.When my paranoia starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camoflaged face at the window is mine.

[pbpersson]

That's too funny!

[highlandcelt]

That is great! Every father who has a daughter, should pass that flier to the prospective date for your daughters!

[David Dalglish]

Brilliant-Gave me a good laugh

[mudd]

I like the "If you make her cry, I will make you cry" part.
That pretty well sums up how I feel about my daughter.

[MacHummel]

Thank You for posting that, as a new father my daughter has just reached 3 months and I need all "RULES" I can get my hands on for the future. Alsop when it comes time for her to date I have a carbon spring steel battle ready basket hilt broad sword I just show him how sharp the blade as I slice watermelons reminding him of his expected behavour.

[Tattoo Bradley]

I have no kids yet. But, my sister is about ready to pop out two. Yes TWO, not one, but TWO baby girls. I put the fear of something or other in more than one of my sister's boyfriends over the years. She already knows what to expect for these two in the coming years.

[Randy]

When my daughter was much younger I searched the net for child rearing tips. That was funny, but you really need to googlize "Application for Permission to Date My Daughter".

A friend of mine used to post range targets on the fridge. One fellow dating his daughter complimented him on his accuracy. The fellow was informed it was his daughters target.

[Southern Breeze]

When my daughter was much younger I searched the net for child rearing tips. That was funny, but you really need to googlize "Application for Permission to Date My Daughter".

A friend of mine used to post range targets on the fridge. One fellow dating his daughter complimented him on his accuracy. The fellow was informed it was his daughters target.

I wonder how many could pass that application!

NOTE: This application will be rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

1. NAME _______________________________ DATE OF BIRTH ________________
2. HEIGHT ____________________ WEIGHT __________ I.Q _______ G.P.A.______
3. SOCIAL SECURITY # _____________ DRIVERS LICENSE # __________________
4. BOY SCOUT RANK______________________________________________ ______
5. HOME ADDRESS _________________ CITY/STATE ___________ ZIP _________
6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent?___________________________
If No., EXPLAIN __________________________________________________ _
7. Number of years your parents have been married ____________________________
8. Do you own a van? ______ A truck with oversized tires? ______ A waterbed? _______
Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button ring? A tattoo_________________
(If "yes" to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises)
9. In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?____________________
__________________________________________________ _____________________
10. In 50 words or lest, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?
__________________________________________________ _______________________
__________________________________________________ _______________________
11. In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE" mean to you?
__________________________________________________ ___________________
12. Church you attend _____________ How often do you attend __________________
13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and priest/rabbi/minister?______
14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers are confidential (That means I won't tell anyone-ever-I promise.)
a) If I were shot the last place on my body I would want wounded is ________
b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my ________________
c) A woman's place is in the ________________________________________
d) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is _____________
e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is her ______________
( NOTE: If your answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue. Leave premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)
15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? __________________________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

________________________________________ Signature ( That means your name, moron)

Thank you for your interest Please allow four to six months for processing. You will be notified in writing you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't and it would cause you injury.) if your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases. (You might want to watch your back)

[Southern Breeze]

This ones for all the firemen out there.

A Fireman's Little Girl
I am very dedicated to my work. I wear firefighter shirts every day, even when I'm not on duty. The fire department is my second home, and my second family. It often seems as if my life revolves around the fire department, but it means nothing compared to my little girl. I am normally a very friendly person, but if you hurt my little girl you will make me mad. I know my little girl is growing up, even if I don't like it. She seems to like you, so I'll tolerate you dating her, but here are a few things for you to think about while you're with her:

First of all, I go into burning buildings to save people that I've never even seen before, you can't imagine how protective I am of my little girl.

I once broke a man's sternum by accident while doing CPR to save his life. If that's how I help people what do you think I do when I'm pissed off?

I investigate arson fires. I know exactly what clues to look for to prove it was arson,so I also know how to make sure nobody can tell how a fire started... and I know where you live. Remember Backdraft?

I've worked more car accidents than you.ll ever see, the sight of blood doesn't bother me one little bit.

It's normal for me to carry chainsaws, axes, and various other extremely sharp tools in my car..touch my little girl and me and you take a little ride.

When we burn down a house for training, nobody ever looks in the closets.

I use the jaws of life to tear doors off wrecked cars. They cut though solid metal like a hot knife through butter. So watch your paws or get the jaws.

Sirens and air horns can really muffle the sounds of someone screaming.

Most of my friends are cops, paramedics, or firefighters. WE ARE 911. If you make me mad who do you think you're going to call for help?

I have access to explosives.

I am well trained in emergency medicine. I know exactly which arteries are the easiest to sever and which ones bleed the most. (remember all the sharp tools?)

Even though my little girl insists that you are a nice guy, and not like most other guys, I know better. I was once your age, I know EXACTLY what you're thinking. Because of that I already have plenty of reasons to not like you. It wouldn't take much at all to push me over the edge, and I just sharpened my axe.

So if you want to date my little girl you better keep these things in mind. Fireman are protective by nature, and there is nothing we are more protective of than our little girls. Whenever you're alone with her, you better remember that someday you may be alone with me!