Family problems stemming from the kilt

[MacHenderson]

*Exasperated sigh*
Okay, I've been having problems, and I was hoping someone here could give me some advice.
I started wearing a kilt about two years ago, when I stumbled upon a local Highland games and was informed that my surname, Henderson, is Scottish. From that point on I was hooked. If it was Scottish, even Celtic, I was all over it. I got a kilt, even made a couple. I was looking into bagpipe lessons. I was listening to tons of celtic-themed music. I was playing the Heavy Athletics. I was a fanatic.
My mom though, didn't take too kindly to it. While she was all for studying and appreciating my heritage, I guess you might say I was getting annoying. As a result, I gave my mom a slightly negative outlook on the Scottish culture.
I've mellowed out over the past year, but meanwhile my dad's taken to our culture with even more fervor than I did. In fact, it's to the point where it's almost the only thing he'll talk about, much to my mom's grief. Pretty soon after he started getting into it, they started bickering. And over the year up to this point in time, it's been getting progressively worse; to the point where they mostly just argue anymore. And that's not to say my dad's not to blame either; they both make their fair share of bad gestures. I try to create a median between the two by bringing up the fact that there's Norwegian blood on my dad's side, as well as my mom's. (She's half german, half norwegian.) You know, give them a common ground to stand on, culturally speaking? Doesn't work.
Naturally, it's upsetting to see them like this, especially considering that for my entire life before donning the kilt, (About 18, 19 years I think?) they probably only argued once or twice. Now it's almost a daily basis, and I'm getting sick of it. So sick that I'm almost ready to just toss my kilts in the trash and give it all up.
I usually don't like talking about this kind of thing to people outside the family, but I was hoping that, seeing as how we're all gun-ho kilt wearers, someone could give me some advice?

[gilmore]

I don't know you and your family, of course, but it sounds as if it's not about kilts or about you, but about your parents' own issues coming to the fore. They may argue about kilts, but one guesses that there are other underlying things, things more substantive than identifying with being Scots, Norwegian, or German.

It's for them to sort out. You are the child, they are the parents.

Good luck!

[MACKAY]

I would agree. I would doubt that the kilt itself is the issue, it seems that this was just a trigger to release a lot of other pent up issues that have finally manifested themselves and are now being expressed.

[cavscout]

First I will reiterate what Gilmore said about they are the parent and you are the child. This is not your fault or anything that you are supposed to handle. They should be able to resolve any issue they have with each other.

To provide a possible explanation, perhaps your mother sees the men in her life suddenly changing and trying new things and being passionate about them and this makes her feel uncomfortable or unnecessary. I can see how a mother and wife might find this unseteling especially if it's something she does not appreciate or understand.

[davidlpope]

I'll preface this by saying that I am attempting to be helpful and my goal is not to make anyone feel bad. If you think this advice is worthless, please junk it...

I'd encourage moderation on the part of yourself and your father when it comes to your interest with "Scottishness." I recommend this in any situation where one member of a family becomes newly interested(obsessed??) with any "hobby", be it cycling, dieting, restoring vintage cars, etc. I think what is worrisome to the other "non-interested" party is that the change is so sudden and they feel left out of this part of the person's life.

I'm not trying to be mean here, but let's face it, until you went to that Highland Games, being "Scottish" didn't even figure into your life. You didn't know that your surname had a Scottish origin and had your mother and father's names been reversed, you might still be oblivious. Now, in a short period of time both you and your father have adopted an "identity" that your mom probably just doesn't understand the need for. After a "honeymoon" phase, though, it seems that you have changed the way you look at this new and special part of your life. Perhaps your father has not made it to this point.

I find that the best way to enjoy a newfound hobby or interest is to share it. This serves to bring you and those you care about closer, rather than farther apart. In order to do that, though, it often takes a gradual period of time for others to develop an interest in things that you like. I'm for balance in your life and my experience is that balance takes time.

Best of luck.

Cordially,
David

[Peter C.]

I tend to agree with David. You say you were a fanatic but your dad is even worse and talks of nothing else. Before this happened your dad must have spent time talking about all sorts of things with your mom, now she has lost all of that, she must feel very left out and possibly lonely. She probably needs to know that you and your dad love her.

It is not your fault, and your dad probably can't help it if he has an obsessive nature, it is very easy to get addicted to this Scottish thing.

It would be a shame if you had to give up your interest in your ancestry but you could moderate it and let your dad see that it is not the be all and end all, and make an effort to show mom that she is important to you, maybe dad will follow.

You mention their shared Norwegian blood. Some people, and your mom may be one, love their family as it is today, where they came from is not important.

Your family today is much more important than a small thread of your ancestry.

This is a very awkward position for a young person and you must understand that what ever happens it is not your fault.

Good luck

Peter

[ian]

I'd be more inclined not to overdo the "All things Scottish" theme. Sure they may be underlying issues, but not to the exclusion of your mother's heritage. Celebrate hers also. Don't throw your kilts away (I wear a 36W, 22L BTW, just in case).

If it becomes an obsession I'm sure it would bother anyone if harped upon all the time. Kilts are going to be more acceptable than a toga, but what if you had a Italian friend that wore one everyday and constantly spoke about Roman culture all the time and hammered it into every conversation?

Consider dear Mom. Maybe she feels like an outsider now rather than a wife and mother.

[MacHenderson]

I've cooled down a lot since I first got into it. I'm pretty much just a "casual scot" nowadays; I've developed other interests and picked up older ones that I forgot during my obsession, so yeah, it's not me overwhelming her.
I do understand how my dad's obsession, especially seeing as how it's very recent and was never a part of their life beforehand, could be very overwhelming to my mom. I casually encourage her to get involved too, without pushing. I think what really turns her off is that in his enthusiasm, my dad forgets that my mom used to be wild and crazy about heritage study and period-themed fairs before they were even together. So yeah, as some of you said, I know she probably feels left out.
David, the "honeymoon" phase actually hits the nail right on the head. I'm sure he'll calm down after a little while, but at this point in time, it's stressful seeing them argue so much, especially considering I still live at home and can get cought in the middle of it sometimes!
My mom is trying; just the other day she said, all on her own, that she'd be interested in making some celtic-themed crafts and selling them at rennaissance fairs or the highland games. So it could be that it's drawing to a close. What's got me stressed is that you can really feel the tension in the air, and it's got all of us kids still at home in a tizzy.
But yeah, I'm sure they'll work it out. I just wanted to hear the wise words of my fellow kilties on the matter. Thanks everyone.
Ian, if for whatever reason I do sell 'em, I'll let you know.

[Riverkilt]

In the expected course of human development you are individuating...becomeing who you are as an individual -seperate from your parents.

Conflict is normal...just like a mama bear driving her cubs out of the den when they're ready to go off on their own.

And hey...we all know that there's a LOT of Viking blood among the Scots...there ain't much difference.

The farther back you are able to take your maternal and paternal family trees the more you'll learn. Pretty dangerous to start drawing lines because sooner or later of branch of that which you thought you aren't - is...

Ron
A Viking Scot for sure.

[MacHenderson]

Good point there Ron. A funny coincidence exists on my Henderson side, actually. My grandpa married a Campell! And here I thought Hendersons and Campells didn't mix.