A bit of advice?

[Moon]

Hi Generica,

Sometimes it is hard to march to the beat of your own drummer - especially when you mother is the conductor. I am 40 years old - and back in the day I put my mom through all sorts of grief - not because I was a bad kid - but because I did my own thing: Shaved my head into a mohawk - shaved and dyed my head to look like the flag of Scotland - had my ears pierced - those are just some of the small things I did.

I am 40 now - and my wife "puts up" with my ways - she thinks I am very unconventional, but unlike my younger days I am no longer trying to find myself - I am just happy living life on my own terms - treading lightly and not hurting anyone in doing so.

So I am a 40 year old man who has a big beard - who rides motorcycles - who has tattoos covering nearly all of my upper torso - who wears kilts - who is an avid knitter - who is an avid spinner of my own yarn - who has been studying TSKSR Kenjutsu for 17 years - who is also a caring husband and a loving and responsible father to three daughters.

You just have to show your mom that you are still you no matter what your exterior looks like - keep up your grades if you are in school - follow the advice of the other X-Markers and educate your mom on kilts - show her you are serious by doing the research. Invite her to browse the forums. I've only been here a short time but there are people from all walks of life here - doctors, lawyers, janitors, IT professionals, white collar, blue collar, pilots, farmers, artists - everything from A to Z.

Good luck with your endeavor - If all else fails, show her a few photos of famous people wearing kilts - It's hard to think of Sean Connery as being feminine.

Regards,

Moon

[csbdr]

superior advice from moon. just about says it all. well put!

[CDNSushi]

Good advice all around. I would only add that it would be easier to give you more specific advice if you gave us an idea as to WHY your mother might be opposed to you sewing/wearing a kilt?

Something I learned in math class... Solving a problem is a lot easier when you understand the question.

[Dysfunctional Parrot]

Like Moon said. Can't add to that!

[Generica]

She's not against the sewing. In fact, she says that "it's a good skill to have." Also, considering that her grandfather or great-grandfather (I can't remember) was a tailor who made my grandmother's wedding dress, it would be strange for her to be against guys learning to sew, which I'd have to, as I have zero experience with sewing.

I'm not really sure why she's against me wearing a kilt, though, as she simply said no and left it at that when I asked her.

Also, right now, I'm on summer break and I'll be going into my senior year of public high school, with a strong cumulative GPA.

[george7]

I started wearing a kilt in high school and tried (but never finished) to make several kilts. Other than wearing kilts, I'm mostly normal.

My kilted debut was either prom or a play. Maybe focus around an event or a hobby.

[CDNSushi]

I'm not really sure why she's against me wearing a kilt, though, as she simply said no and left it at that when I asked her.

Well, that's a tough one, but it rather sounds like your mother may need to start changing the way she sees you. All parents go through something similar. When you were a child, your mother was a rulemaker, guardian and authority figure. As we grow up, that role changes and parents become more as advisers and supporters. It is no longer appropriate to be a lawmaker to a child who is fully grown -- and that is something that many parents have a difficult time adjusting to.

My wife's parents still have troubles letting go of their daughter, even though she's left their household over 20 years ago! As a result, my relationship with them is tenuous at best, and I have chosen to ignore them/keep them out of my life as much as possible. (But that's for another thread)...

Anyway, maybe if you were to tell your mother that amongst adults, saying "No..." and when asked "Why?" answering "Just because" is not an acceptable practice. Saying that to a child is okay because children probably wouldn't understand our reasons for saying or doing something. That changes when children become cognisant of their own decisions.

You would never dream of having a conversation with your boss at work where he asks you why you can't come into work and you respond: "Just because." We are expected to behave in a reasonable manner and reason generally dictates that we back up our decisions with logic.

I wouldn't get angry at her, but I would try to insist that my mother give me a good, solid, logical reason why she feels wearing a kilt (for instance) is wrong.

[DamnthePants]

First off, I am curious how old you are. I only ask because I think it makes a difference in this discussion. If your 13 its one thing, if your 47 its something completely different.

Secondly, Do you own any other kilts? Perhaps the best way to convince your mother is to show you what you look like in a kilt. Buy a nice one from Stillwater or any of the other reasonably priced merchants affiliated with this site. Perhaps when she sees just how good you look, and how it makes sense, she will be alright with you making one.

[piperdbh]

Here's an idea that won't cost you anything: contact the nearest community theatre company, or the drama teacher at your school, or the Drama Dept. at the closest university. There's a chance that "Brigadoon" has been performed near you, and that some of the kilts are still in a wardrobe room somewhere. Go find one that fits and borrow it for a few days to take home and show your Madre. Wear it around the house, to the grocery store, to church, wherever you want to go. That way, you can see if kiltedness is something you want to pursue, you'll hear plenty of "Nice skirt!" and other "original" comments (immersion therapy ), and you won't have spent any money. Also, your mother will see that you're doing your research without making any major commitments, which might help change her mind.
Good luck, and keep us posted.

Also, where in S. Fla. are you, without being too specific? My wife's from Gainesville, which is not south at all, but there are members here from your area who might be able to help.

[Rex_Tremende]

Anyway, maybe if you were to tell your mother that amongst adults, saying "No..." and when asked "Why?" answering "Just because" is not an acceptable practice. Saying that to a child is okay because children probably wouldn't understand our reasons for saying or doing something. That changes when children become cognisant of their own decisions.

You would never dream of having a conversation with your boss at work where he asks you why you can't come into work and you respond: "Just because." We are expected to behave in a reasonable manner and reason generally dictates that we back up our decisions with logic.

I wouldn't get angry at her, but I would try to insist that my mother give me a good, solid, logical reason why she feels wearing a kilt (for instance) is wrong.

But the way adults have conversations is different, too. Coming out and demanding that parents speak to their children like an adults isn't going to get anyone very far unless the child starts using adult-like language. Instead of asking "why" or "why not," try asking "Tell me what your concerns are; I'd like to discuss this so I understand where you're coming from." It's hard to refuse a request like this (it's actually a request in the imperative mood) and come out looking like the adult.

At work I rarely ask someone a bald "why." I usually ask, "How'd you come to that conclusion?" or "What's your thinking behind that?" or "What's the result that you are expecting?" These are open-ended questions that invite specific discussion. Though it appears to be open-ended, "Why?" is a conversation killer. Why? Because it signals resistance and sets up conflict. Because authority figures are conditioned to respond, "Because!", after which there is nothing left to discuss.

Instead, I have to let the other person know I'm open to what they have to say, and not allow my opinions on the matter get in the way of listening. It's not until I'm sure I understand (and that they know I understand) their position on things that I'm in a position to respond to them. They might be right. We might actually agree. I might be able to get them to see another angle on it once I know which direction they are looking. I might see something I hadn't considered before which could keep me out of trouble later.

Sometimes I can influence people to get to a conclusion that works for both of us. Sometimes, depending on the relationship, I have to accept that they have more authority than I do, and though I don't agree with them, I have to carry out their wishes. In these cases, I will sure do my darndest to make certain that we each have a clear understanding of one another.

Good luck with your projects, and keep us posted?
Rex.