X Marks contribution be cool ..

[Calico]

Like I said, I don't versify much, so please take this as trying to be helpful.

I notice the final word in lines 1/2 and 3/4 match, leaving "says" ending line 3 as an orphan.

The art of conversation’s dead,
Thought it something that I said,
On bus and train, the silence says,
It’s finger n’ thumbs, and texts instead,
Computer screens, conversation’s dead

But if "says" were changed to "reigns" it would pick up on train in its own line. Or make it "On buses and trains, the silence reigns" for a true match, although that adds one syllable to the line, would that affect the meter too much?

The art of conversation’s dead,
Thought it something that I said,
On buses and trains, the silence reigns,
It’s finger n’ thumbs, and texts instead,
Computer screens, conversation’s dead

Was finger (singular) and thumbs (plural) intentional or a typo? are you imparting special meaning to "finger" as a vulgar communication? Shouldn't do that, it may be vulgar, but it would still qualify as conversation. Best perhaps if they are both plural and so implied both are being used for computerized activities.

Obviously a folk song about one of our current society's decling arts (converstaion) but could you give us a little more hint of the full story you want to impart? It might help the suggestions be more to your liking. Is there a meter scheme you want to enforce? Rhyme scheme? Topic adherence? For instance, is this a lament for a skill lost, or a warning that "its not too late to change things" or a rosy "there was a golden age" or an optimistic "we can return to how it was"?

Thanks for an interesting thread.

[Derek]

Calico ... typo error


The Art of Conversation's Dead

The art of conversation’s dead,
Thought it something that I said,
On bus and train, the silence says,
It’s fingers n’ thumbs, and texts instead,
Computer screens, conversation’s dead

With regard to adherence I thought I would let the song develop in its own way once we have a few verses on the way and we can take it from there. If you say the above verse a few times you can feel the meter of it.
Thanks for the input so far ,,, the more the merrier
Iechyd Da
Derek