mean mother in law(to be)

[Pleater]

If you don't mind advice from an older woman -

Your girlfriend's mother is probably not actually bothered about you wearing a kilt, or anything else - I think the whole thing is about territory.

I suggest that if/when you are to be in her house, then dress smartly in something you think that she will approve of, but when you are leaving ask the permission - preferably of the future father in law if he is around, to change into your kilt - or even just 'something more comfortable', before you go - so you don't have to stop and make the change elsewhere.

Try not to be confrontational if the answer is 'no' - but make it clear that once you are out of the house you will be changing your clothes. Don't think of doing it outside the front door (well OK, think about it, just keep in mind that she won't forgive you - ever - for 'showing her up in front of the neighbours' )

Many MiLs appear to regard their offspring's home as simply an extension of their own, you might have to work hard to maintain that future as yet mythical space as your territory.

You might have to forgo a kilted wedding - the wedding day is, traditionally organised by the bride's family - but you will need to make clear - as gently and as subtly as possible that that is the last day when you and your wife will be truly involved with her parents.

If they offer to book and pay for the honeymoon in a place of their choosing, it might be as well to accept. Do, though, point out that all you require is a bed, preferably a large one, and that the possibilities of sightseeing are going to be slight. Enquire if room service is available after midnight. Make it clear that wandering around interesting places, holding hands and gazing at the sunset is not going to be high on the agenda.

Give her your best grin and tell her that at least you won't be wearing your kilt most of the time.

[Blu (Ontario)]

hey guys. this is kiltman with a sword here. i just joined a little while ago and i need your advice.

I've been thinking about this a bit.

It seems to me that this woman doesn't yet respect you as an independant responsible adult. She has some control over you and is making sure that you know it.

my girlfriends mother is very condescending about kilts. since i am planning on marrying my girlfriend.... she is constantly going on about how she wont abide a man in a dress....

Also, what part of the world do you call home? What part of the world is the future M.in L. from.

When I've encountered intransigent attitudes like this, there has often been cultural or religious influences at work. I've had some quite negative if not interesting reactions from folks rooted in eastern and southern Europe as well as Muslim countries.

Since this is developing into a serious relationship, kilts will likely be just one of numerous sensitivities you'll have to deal with in the future.

.

[auld argonian]

Hmmm! My take on wearing/not wearing the kilt may help give you a bit of perspective on things...I wear jeans most of the time and a kilt some of the time (and a suit once in a while but that's incidental...I've been known to wear a kilt and jacket on "suit" occaisions). My approach is that I'm trying to let the folks around me know that I consider a kilt to be just one more type of clothing that I wear...that I'm not making any kind of political, moral or spiritual statement - it's just what I'm wearing today. I have a lot of people around me who seem to think that I'm trying to make some kind of "statement" or trying to be "special" by wearing a kilt. The point is that I like it, I think it looks good and it's a bit of connection with my Scottish ancestors (who seem to have been the most interesting and righteous part of my complex family tree). As I mentioned in an earlier post: I cannot believe that there is ANYONE on earth who doesn't recognize a kilt as a kilt and as a man's garment so I have to assume that anyone who calls it anything other than a kilt is just trying to get under the skin of the kilted one...don't let them succeed in this.

I have a couple of friends who have, by coincidence, run into me only when I've been wearing the kilt and I get the vibe from them that they think that I've joined a cult or something...they seem to be avoiding me - particularly going out for a beer with me - because they think that I'm always going to show up in a kilt and they somehow find this embarassing. Too bad. Some of the guys here have taken up full time kilt wearing...and that's cool...some of the guys wear them for special occaisions, some (like me) once and a while...no rule here...do what you like.

As I said in response to one of your earlier posts, take the Old Girl to a Celtic Fest or Highland Games...get a few pints in her and when she looks around she'll notice all of the guys in kilts and maybe she'll get the message. Have your camera ready to capture the Kilted Kodak Moment when she achives enlightenment.

One of the funniest Kilted Moments that I had when was I first met Kilted Code Warrior at a Celtic Fest...he was pushing the double stroller with his two girls in it and we met and started to chat and wandered over to the Caber Tossing. One of the girls chose that time to wake up and I'll never forget the look on her face when she saw her dad, who I guess was the only kilted guy that she had seen up to that point, surrounded by fellow Kilties...suprise and delight!

But, as previous posters have said, maintain your decorum...the opinion that she's just trying to yank your chain and exert some control might be valid as well. Be firm and polite and if you extend some consideration to her by showing up in trousers, make it clear that that's what it is: consideration...that you don't consider it a you win/I lose transaction.

When you wear it, wear it well, wear it stylishly, walk tall and enjoy yourself.

Best

AA

[wsk]

Wait to get married. It's a long term commitment and you have plenty of time.

You are marrying the daughter not her mother. Observe how she and her mother interact. This will take a while. What you want is a wife who is married to you and not submissive to her parents. Her primary obligation is to you and to your marriage, not to her parents. Your primary obligation is to her and to your marriage, not to your parents. This is a difficult thing for many people to realize.

Is the daughter independent or does she often seek her mother's approval? In otherwords is she tied to her mother's apron strings? If she is, you may be best advised to move on. Cutting those strings is damned difficult and you can't do it for her.

Are still at home? If you are, it's time to leave and become part of the greater world. Show yourself to be a man who has the wherewithal to support and care for her daughter and your children and I suspect that there will be no more dismissive talk about kilts. You will have shown her that you are a man and that is what she wants for her daughter.

Caveat Lector: I'm not a family therapist nor do I play one on TV or in cartoons. Five cents please.

[kiltman with a sword]

thanks all. lisa and i (thats my girlfriend) are planning on waiting to get married. she is an independant person, and as i said (or maybe bragged) in my first post, she likes the idea of kilts.she has no problems with the thought of me wearing them. she currently lives with her mother. the reason for that is, in a couple years her mother is going to be building a new house and leaving her the current one. i also still live with my mother. i am homeschooled and this is my last year of schooling. i also have obligations for one year after i graduate, so i cant move out just yet. as soon as i can i want to move down to missouri which is where lisa lives. within 2 to 3 years, i hope to be able to marry lisa. i want to attend college down there. im wondering, since i only have this crappy kilt so far, should i wait till i get a better one, or use her ignorance to get away with the one i have? also i dont have a sporran as of yet. i am considering making a good simple servicable sporran. it wont be for show, but id have some thing to hold my keys. any more advice would be appreciated.

[Uncle Ricky]

If the Mother-in-law calls your kilt a dress, feel free to call her pants "overalls".

Cheers,
Rick

[Canadian_Kilt]

I can sympathize a bit even talking with many people over the last couple of weeks. I'm already getting jokes like "So how are we going to tell which one's the bride at the wedding?"

While most of what I've encountered is more poking fun that anything, I generally find what really makes a difference is when you explain the heritage behind it. People are much more likely to understand that you're wearing your "skirt" as a show of honor and respect to your family's ancestors, rather than because you think it's fashionable and comfortable (even if that's the real reason).

I think you'll find that if you can get a decent kilt in one of your family tartans, and you spend some more time educating her on the reasons for wearing a kilt, your mother in law may begin to understand a bit more.

As to whether to wear it to her house - If she has explicitly told you not to wear it in her house, then, for now, you should respect that. If she hasn't, I would wear it, and use it as opportunity to try and have a discussion about the kilt and your reasons for wearing it. This is a battle that will be fought over a long time. The important thing though is that your girlfriend is on your side. If she's not, you're fighting a losing, uphill battle.

[ian]

It's sad that anyone would make a value judgement over something so trite. I would say I prefer Kilts because they are a male garment and since women wear trousers, I'd prefer not to be perceived as "feminine." She wears pants, right? You could say "I'm wearing trousers today because I'm celebrating my inner femininity." (Jokingly).

I strongly suspect this issue is exacerbated by the fact she is "losing her baby" to a man she doesn't think represents "what a man should wear." It's ignorance. Get her a gift of the book "Scottish Clans and Families" or something similar. Without creating conflict, mention one of the things that makes her daughter great is her acceptance of the kilt and that her mother can take credit raising a loving and understanding woman. Maybe a video of the Highland Games and a Caber Toss, bet she's never see that. Not too many frail and effeminate men in those games.

Are you of Scottish Decent? Let her know. You could, in the future and unassociated with the "kilt" thing, present her a gift which celebrates her ancestry.

Try not to pee her off about it because it could start a chain reaction lasting years and evolve into a beast unrelated to kilts, but don't totally cave in either. If you can laugh and joke about it to make her feel more comfortable it'll help. When she laughs, you've got her.

[katmills2005]

First, what does your girlfriend feel about the situation?

Second, her mother may see this as you trying to be a rebel rather than simply disliking a kilt. Perhaps educating her on the history of the kilt and reinforcing the notion that it is a traditional garment rather than a "teen fad". Point out that it is part of your heritage.

You are young and I'm assuming your girlfriend is as well. Give it time, don’t' rock the boat too much, and if it’s meant to be it will happen. As you mature and your relationship with this girl progresses, I think you will find that things will have a way of working themselves out. Be yourself and be proud. Don't let the jibes get to you.

[Riverkilt]

She's obviously uneducated about kilts. Maybe you can come up with some ways to enlighten her....pics of Sean Connery, Prince Charles, et.al. or maybe you live near a place where there's a Highland games or society, or maybe your library has books about kilts you can check out.

Good luck teaching the pig to sing.

Ron