A Dissapointing conversation

[Captain]

After some jokes and negative comments, I simply told her that if she was going to act that way to just keep quiet.

I finally had to have this talk (quietly and in private) with my wife after shopping at Kohl's with her... Two very nice older ladies came up while we were checking out and asked very politely if I was coming from or going to some kind of performance. I told them no, that I'm just proud of being Scottish and Irish and that kilts are infinitely comfortable. They asked if I was cold, and we talked about them being cold in skirts and how it's the same for me, except I get the option of nice, knee-high wool (or in my case wool-blend) socks... All the while the wife keeps trying to interject snide remarks:

Me: "I wear kilts because I'm proud of my Scottish and Irish heritage and also because they're comfortable..."

Wife: "Oh he just wears them to stick out, he doesn't like being normal..."

Mostly I just ignored her (as did the two women) while we had our conversation... Later I asked her very nicely not to comment to other people about the kilt if she's not going to say something nice, especially if they are asking me about it... Luckily she agreed and even apologized...

[auld argonian]

You hit me where I live here, dude....and I mean literally. My wearing of the kilt has been met with beaucoup ambivalence around here. I've even had the misfortune of having read sections of my son's Facebook entries where he blogs on about how embarassing it is to him...sharper than a serpent's tooth, eh?

And it's not like I went from totally pantsed to full-time kilted overnight...I wear the kilt maybe about 10 percent of the time just now (the work that I've been doing on the house has made it easier to just throw on jeans and I woudn't want to screw up a kilt or have it get caught on anything while I'm working)...not like this was some kind of radical conversion but rather just something that I decide to put into my "wardrobe rotation" and treat just like it's another item of apparel. I'm not trying to attract attention or become the center of conversation...I'm just a guy who (does this sound familiar) always toyed with the idea of wearing a kilt, has ancestral ties to things Celtic and one day just said, "...oh, why not." I think that it looks pretty damn manly and dashing and that it would impress Mrs. Argonian with my "doing my own thing" attitude and perhaps fire her romantic imagination...no dice.

And you can't just reconcile this kind of thing with glib answers or by "taking a stand" and "drawing a line in the sand"..."...it's either the kilts or nothing, babe"...that doesn't work. This is something that you have to work out...it's something that I still have to work out. You can't go through life singing "I Gotta Be Me" and expect everybody to say, "...okay, sure...because YOU are what the whole world is all about so we'll just defer to YOU." Relationships are about different things.

But re the kilt thing, I think that context is important...has your fiancee been with you at a Celtic Fest or Highland Games where there is more than one person wearing a kilt? Those circumstances prove that you're not the only one and that a lot of guys are wearing kilts casually just to hang out, down the odd pint and watch large guys - also in kilts - throw large, heavy objects around. Kilt nights also seem to serve this function (but just don't count on one in Chicago because I'll probably be the only one who shows up). This whole forum serves that function.

I've just gotten to the point where I just wear it and go about my business normally...I try to just go on same as I always do...if any comments come up, I just kind of do a "yeah, whatever" and move on. I'm trying to de-sensitize everybody to the kilt...I behave the same however I'm dressed. Perhaps wear it when when the two of you are hanging around your place and when it's time to go somewhere else, change clothes...don't make a big deal about it, don't make an announcement...just change and if she asks just say that you know that she's uncomfortable about your wearing it so you've changed into jeans...do not let it become a discussion, you're not being a martyr...that's all. Even better if you then go out with your buddies wearing the kilt (if you can get one or more of them to "convert", that's WAY better)...then there's a context where she sees you wearing it comfortably and being accepted...the de-sensitization process is starting to take hold. I just think that it's better to wear them down firmly but politely rather than get into a confrontation.

Best of luck...let me know how you're doing and I'll let you know if I ever get at least my dear wife to acquiesce here.

Oy! It's a hard-knock kilted life for us!

Best

AA

[Dirk Skene]

I am in a similar situation. My wife always finds a way to work "your skirt" into her comments when I am putting on my kilt and she refuses to refer to a kilt other than a "skirt." A sporran is always a "purse." She will not willing hold hands in public or stand next to me. Our compromise is that I say nothing about her not wearing makeup, not wearing jewelry and purposely standing hunched over like an old woman with bone trouble (she actually stands 1.5" taller than me).

I am not giving up the kilts. If I'd known she was going to be like this I never would have married her in the 1st place. If she gets fed up and wants a divorce I will not sweat it because there are too many women out there that want a man in a kilt that is a top notch cook and not afraid to help clean house.

[elitekiltedcommando]

Indeed. I love wearing my kilt for casual activities as well as for formal occasions. As a matter of fact right now I'm in school and wearing my kilt proudly. If your wife needs proof that kilts can be worn casually, I will gladly put up a photo of myself wearing mine casually, and looking rather 'normal' as well.

[katmills2005]

Guys, I'm sorry that some of you are having problems with your wife, or other family members, accepting your choice to wear kilts. I think the idea of having a get together at a local pub or restaurant as suggested is a good one. Perhaps it will bring about more acceptance from them if they see the brotherhood that is shared by embracing your heritage.

[Rampant Lion]

Hey CK,
I haven't had to go through this myself, but then again I only where my kilt on certain occasions. I would suggest that whenever possible you take your wife to some of the local highland/scottish events. Edmonton, Red Deer, High River, Calgary, and Canmore all have highland games. Sure they're not everyday situations, but it might help warm your wife up to the idea of wearing your kilt on non-occasion days.

-Will

[MacTavishOfJapan]

Sorry to hear that CK, I'm sure she'll come around. It always hurts when those we love don't support us.

[wsk]

... I have tried to explain to her what it means to me, but unfortunately I'm not great with words and I had a hard time explaining it. ...

It is doubted whether a man ever brings his faculties to bear with their full force on a subject until he writes upon it. -- Cicero

#include "std_not_a_therapist_disclaimer.h"

I included Cicero's quote because he's right. Whenever my ex-wife and I had "discussions", I became completely tongue-tied. As a result, I lost every time. This was not satisfactory for either of us really.

So, to you I say, write her a letter. Take your time. State your positions and reasons for them, state how her actions and words make you feel. Do not attack. You may not even need to have her read it, the act of writing may clarify your own thoughts sufficiently for you to put your case verbally.

Do not leave this difference unresolved. Now, before you are married, is the time to find out if you and she are capable of resolving your differences.

Others have suggested highland or Scottish heritage events as a method of "desensitizing" your fiancé. I could not disagree more. These events are outside the norm of day-to-day life and can easily be considered "costume" gatherings. Better methinks, is to get together with other kilties in real-world settings.

Five cents please.

[Robin]

I guess I'm lucky...

It was my wife who remembered me of my decades old wish to get a kilt.

She's supportive, she always checks my pleats when I get out of a car, she loves to fence off over enthousiastic gals, she often buys nice matching shirts and sweaters, she defends my kilt wearing to others and she even stood up when her boss asked: "He'll not wear that kilt thing at the company Christmas dinner?"...result..I'll wear my kilt.

To her a kilt is a kilt, a sporran is a sporran and I'm her kilted hubbie.

I became a member of this forum before I received my 1st kilt and showed her many pictures of casual kilt wearers (Hamish!)...might have helped.

I'm really lucky

[davedove]

Also, if you need some ideas to "justify" wearing the kilt, you can always check out this thread:

http://www.xmarksthescot.com/forum/s...light=calendar