Venting.

[Mr. Woolery]

Well, thank you all for your kind wishes!

My uncle is out of the hospital, so I am essentially doing home care at this point. His doctor advised him to spend 5 to 10 days in a nursing facility, but since I am here...

Yeah.

His operation was spine surgery to correct a herniated disk that was pressing on the spinal nerves and could have paralyzed him. I came to make sure he had what he needs and to care for his home and his dog. He came home day before yesterday and is doing well.

Today, he shanghaied me into an OA meeting where he spent about 10 minutes (felt longer, but I was watching the clock) talking about his hospital experience. And my kilt. And my apparent lack of masculity was strongly implied. At length.

It doesn't matter whether I wear the kilt or trousers, he is going to talk about my kilt to anyone who will stand still long enough to listen. I'm just getting tired of it. Very tired of it. Told the same guy about it twice today. Twice. Today. Same guy.

I really appreciate the offers of company, but I'll probably be escaping, er, ah, departing on Monday. Tomorrow is full with emptying and cleaning his pool (which he has not used in years) since he doesn't want to pay a pool service to do it when he has me here. I'm just plain tired, as you can probably understand. Thank you so much, though.

He's a decent man, well meaning, and I do love him. However, he simply can't comprehend that the world does not revolve around him. Anything I do or say or think is less important than what he wants. He never had children or any other reason to really learn that sometimes selflessness is possible and good. I did a lot of growing up when my first child was born and he's never been willing to make that commitment.

Hector, thank you for what you said. While Panache is probably right as far as preserving family harmony, you said exactly what I feel. Glad to know I'm not a monster for thinking it.

Anyway, probably won't be on the computer again before Wednesday (it will be late Tuesday night before I get home), so I'll likely miss any other commentary between now and then. I sure miss my wife and kids right now.

Thanks for letting me vent.

-Patrick

[Joe Gondek]

You can choose your friends but not your relatives

I feel for you

[siva011]

On one hand, I understand Panache's point, but on the other hand I disagree. Of course you want to do you can to preserve family. Mine has been so broken and it would be nice if others had preserved that. I apparently have an uncle not too far from Fairbanks, but I'm not even sure of his name. On the other side though, I keep hearing the phrase "a kilt is just fabric"... but I disagree. A kilt isn't just fabric, it's a choice, a representation of me and who I am, and it is my comfort. When people put kilt wearers down like that, chalenging their masculinity and other comments intended to insult, they aren't talking about fabric. They are talking about the PERSON wearing the fabric. If I was in this situation, I wouldn't see it as just fabric, I'd see it as a lack of respect to me.

[DotDLL]

Man, this uncle should be glad to have a relative like you. If he is, it sounds like the way he shows it stinks.

[mudd]

It's like I've always said; you can pick your friends but you can't pick your relatives, or your relatives noses, or something like that... I forget. You get the idea.

[beloitpiper]

Tough situation, but I think it is best to grin and bear it.

[Makeitstop]

I have a similar problem with my grandparents. My grandma will practically disappear and my grandpa will either make extremely rude comments, or just throw a fit like a 2 year old.

The issue is one of respect. Both your uncle's behavior and that of my grandparents is extremely disrespectful. While the kilt may just be a piece of cloth, this is not about the kilt. This is about the way people should treat each other. If someone does not approve of another person's clothing, there are many respectful ways to deal with that. They could just keep their mouth shut. A simple "I'm not really comfortable with that" is entirely acceptable; Insults and the like are not.

I cannot tell you how to handle the situation (though by now it should be far less important anyway) as I don't know your personality or his. I will however point out a few options.

Note: I understand this may not be relevant now that you are out of there, but I figure it's still good for future reference and for others in the same boat.

Direct confrontation: He is being disrespectful. Call him on it. Point out his inappropriate behavior in a calm but firm manner, and when he (inevitably) tries to make the kilt issue, point out how he should have handled the situation, returning the focus to his conduct.
This can be effective, but it can also lead to serious conflict. Some people will recognize that they have been naughty, or will back down from a challenge. Others however will just see this as an opportunity to escalate things, or will simply get angry and lash out further. In either case, this is not recommended for those who can't stand conflict.

Indirect confrontation: This is similar, but more of a passive aggressive approach. Wear the kilt, and when he makes a comment, just look at your watch as if you know exactly how long it takes for him to throw this routine. When finishes a little rant, ask if he's done yet. Just go on with your life as usual, let his comments bounce off, and be entirely dismissive of any offensive action. Should he accidentally say something in a polite, respectful manner (even if it is anti-kilt) acknowledge it.
The basic idea is to refuse to give him the response he is most likely looking for, and instead, to punish him by sending a clear signal that his words are irrelevant. At the same time good behavior is rewarded with a show of interest and respect.

Educate: Go on offense and fight for the kilt. Show him that real men really do wear kilts. Explain the history and the benefits. Make him watch braveheart until he can stand no more.
For some people, this can actually work. However, I think this is better suited to, say, a girlfriend/wife/significant other/whatever who doesn't like the idea, if only because you have a lot more time to wear them down. I have yet to see someone so hostile to anything change simply through education. (Even so, I will probably be getting my grandpa a copy of Rob Roy for Christmas. It can't hurt, and even if it does... meh)

Wait it out: Wear the kilt, let the novelty wear off, and eventually he'll have to find something else to talk about. He may even get used to the thing.
This is the long hard path. It takes patience, fortitude and grace, but it can be done. You don't start any trouble, but you don't just let him win and surrender your dignity and individuality either.

Say uncle: Wear pants around him, and try to let it go.
This is the diplomatic approach. It may be worth it to just forget about the kilt and try maintain harmony.


And now, for the sake of full disclosure:

I don't wear a kilt when visiting my grandparents. I do this because when they see my kilt, they b**** and moan about it to my mom for at least an hour, and she doesn't deserve that. So I wear a pair of athletic shorts, and put up with it out of respect for her. That said, I don't back down from the fact that I wear a kilt everywhere else, and while I'm always polite I don't take any crap from them about it.