Your worst puns

[Mikilt]

"Eins, Zwei, Drei, Funf"

I count fearlessly

[Mikilt]

For the sake of context, there is a staffing service in the US named "Andy Frain" They provide event staff like ushers, valets, security, coat check staff, etc.

On to the pun!

I was going to quit my part time job as an usher, but I re-frained

[Carlo]

"Eins, Zwei, Drei, Funf"

I count fearlessly

There is a language barrier here, but shouldn't it be:
I count e-four-tlessly.

[Couper]

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed?

[MNlad]

With our throw-away society and furniture getting cheaper and cheaper, there are very few people refinishing furniture today. You could say they're a varnishing species.

Daddy mole, Mama mole and Baby mole were out for a walk in their tunnel when Daddy stuck his head out, sniffed, and said, "I smell bacon." Mama stuck her head out, sniffed, and said, "And I smell apple pie." Baby, stuck back in the tunnel looking up said, "Damn, all I smell is molasses."

[Tarheel]

Growing up in North Carolina during the 1960's we all knew that the town Mount Airy was the alter-ego of Mayberry (of the Andy Griffin TV Show). During the rock & roll invasion of the British, one group gave me hope there was a higher plane of enlightenment. The photo below was on a t-shirt several years ago that encouraged me to believe the pun (as a visual aid) is alive and well. With that, I offer you ...

[Geoff Withnell]

A family of gnus, Papa gnu, Mama gnu and baby gnu were going down to the river to get a drink. Alas, the water had become fouled with some pollutant and was undrinkable. Papa gnu said, we can't go upstream, because the lions are lying in wait for us there. We will have to push a log into the stream, and float down stream, hoping the river will become clear, before we perish from thirst." So that is what they did. After floating for some time, the water did not seem to be completely clear, but somewhat better. Papa told Mama and Baby he was going to drink, and if he died, they were to go as long as possible before they tried to drink. Papa gnu drank, and sadly, the water was not yet safe, and he died. Mama and Baby continued down stream for some time, until, mad with thirst, Mama tried to drink. She also perished. Baby gnu, thirsty and terrified, went as long as he could, but in the end, he drank and suffered the same fate as his parents.

That's it for the gnus. Now for the weather and sports....

[GrainReaper]

Cremated remains are something you urn

[Mikilt]

I didn't want to play Hamlet, but I deigned.

[MNlad]

Brother Jean was a young member of a small monastery in the French countryside. Assigned to the kitchen, he proved to be inept as a cook, except for a specialty he developed—thinly sliced potatoes cooked in simmering oil. Soon rumors of this tasty treat spread across Europe until word reached the Vatican.

The Pope, being a bit of a gourmand, determined to visit the abbey during his next trip to France. Upon arriving at the monastery, he ordered a heaping plate of Brother Jean's creation and was overwhelmed. Ordering the apprentice Brother brought before him, he asked, "Are you the famous French friar?"

"No," responded Jean, "I'm the chip monk."