Understanding Comments.

[James]

What follows is bound to be contentious, but it is something I've been thinking about or some time!

All too often I read posts that are expressing annoyance at the comments of others, who possibly refer to the posters kilt as a skirt, or even make assumptions as to the posters motives in wearing such a garment.

Yet very often those same comments appear to be uttered in a supportive, even complimentary way. This in turn suggests to me that we are wrong to be annoyed at such comments, rather we should see them as spportive, albeit misplaced.

Please note that I'm not thinking about those who are deliberately rude: rather the people who say something like 'What a nice skirt-or I do like to see a man in a skirt'.

Now I must go back into my own history as a kilt wearer for more years than I'd care to admit.

To recently I'd be greeted by strangers who would admire my kilt, but asume that rather than wearing it as a day to day garment, I must be a piper-going to a dance or be engaged in some entirely Scottish activity. Certainly their term of reference did not include a man wearing a kilt on a day to day basis for going about their day to day activities. To put it another way, I was outside their event horizon.

However with the growing exposure of the traditional tartan kilt in recent years, I appear to have moved into that same event horizon, and it is accepted as a day to day garment.

So I can see a situation where my traditional kilt has moved, from being a special occasion mode of dress, to an accepted way of being clad.

Now we have a situation where many on this board are from lands not usually associated with the kilt, and where it is a gament that for many is certainly outside the event horizon. So for many the sight of a man in a kilt is something strange, and an occasion for which they have neither terms of reference nor even a vocabulary.

Now to get into trouble, I printed some pictures of what might be termed contemprary kilts such as the UK, and showed then to a very traditional kilt wearer of my aquaintance who certainly does not frequent boards such as this: and asked him what he saw?

His horizon was such that he did not see a kilt, rather he saw men in skirts, and for him there was no connection between the pictures and what he perceived as a kilt.

I then offered a bit more information about contenporary kilts, and his reaction was 'a good idea-why not': however he continued to have difficulty associating them with what he thought of as a kilt.

Now to go back to the casual encounter with someone who might never have seen a chap in a kilt, and who have no personal terms of reference, or even words to fit the occasion. Too even if they make the association in respect of a tartan kilt, they are liable to be entirely lost when the kilt is say khaki or some other contemporary non tartan material.

So we have a situation where we are not only beyond their event horizon, we have forced them into a situation for which they are entirely unprepared in any respect. So it is quite natural for them to make assumptions, use words even, which might distress the proud kiltwearer.

However we must ask ourselves who has created the situation: it is not that third party, who is all too often seeking ways of being complimentary, positive even: it is us. For we have put them in that position of facing something entirely new and unexpected.

So rather than be annoyed, we should be delighted with a positive response, even if it is laden with the wrong words and misconceptions.

For it gives us an opening to be grateful, and so foster acceptance of the kilt: and further it is possible that there will be an opening to develop a positive dialogue which will in turn correct their misconceptions in a freindly way.

So the ball is in our court to be above slights which are only in our minds, and to by our wearing of bother traditional and contemporary kilts, broaden that event horizon, so gradually more and more people will come to accept our kilts as a perfectly normal way for hetrosexual non-crossdressing men to dress.

In the end it comes down to our turning the world to our advantage, rather than assume the role of victim.

James

[GMan]

Thanks for this James, it is sometimes hard to take a compliment.

[Eujeankilt]

Yes, thanks James. I too find myself defending my need to be "right" and pass up opportunities to connect with another person with good intentions. A good lesson for the new year.

Dale

[cessna152towser]

Plenty of words of wisdom there James.

[Robin]

I really don't care how they call it...I'm free to wear it, others are free to like it, dislike it, think it's silly or even stupid.

[mbhandy]

Always remember to thank the person who gives you the compliment. Don't get to flustered. ??:

MrBill

[GlassMan]

James, those are very wise words. It's a good think to consider as the New Year dawns -- how we react and treat others when they see us in our kilts.

Words of wisdom are always a welcome read. :-)

[NewKilt]

James, a very insightful post. I fully agree with you. Even though people may use the wrong terminology, or assume that there must be some sort of special event going on, I believe thanking the person is the best approach. We have to realize that seeing a man in a kilt is not an everyday occurence for most people. They may mean to be compimentary and we need to recognize this and respond in kind.

I had to make a trip to my wife's work recently, and a woman in her office said, "I just love your costume." I simply thanked her and told her I was glad that she liked it.

Being repectful and courteous to the other person (even though they are technically wrong) goes a long way in promoting the wearing of the kilt. For instance, if someone said, "I like your skirt," you could reply, "thank you, I'm glad you like my kilt."

When we make a good impression by being courteous, then it benefits all men who wear the kilt, and helps to promote public acceptance.

Darrell

[Space Moose]

It's pretty hard to offend me. And I don't think anybody has ever accidentally said something that has offended me. To me it's the person's intent that matters. If they say something without thinking that might be considered tactless, why would I take offense, if none was meant by it? To me intending to be offensive is the definition of offensive. Fortunately I have the confidence and self assurance (read: 'enormous ego' ) to always give somebody the bennefit of the doubt that they're not intending to offend.

And for those that do actually intend to be offensive, I'm very, very rarely bothered by that, because often:

A) They're just some chowderhead, and not worth bothering about.
B) Becoming offended is simply playing into their hand.

The only reason somebody says something offensive is to get a reaction out of you, which will make them feel better. Taking the bait is only making their day.

Let's face it, making fun of men in kilts is as time-honoured and steeped in tradition as kilts themselves. I live in Vancouver, where it's not uncommon to see transgendered (or specifically transvestite) people walking down the street. I'm sure that the ammount of comments they get is much, much less than I get when I walk down the street kilted (though there's still the select few bridge-and-tunnel folks that civilization has forgotten). The reason? Because it's somewhat socially acceptable to make fun of a kilt.

Some of it is good natured ribbing, some of it is mean-spirited, but it doesn't bother me, and I'd suggest that it not bother you. If people making fun of your kilt don't bother you, you certainly won't be offended by people not intending to offend by asking a question using non-preferred parlance.

My response to well-intended and chowderheaded 'nice skirt' comments is the same, an honest: "Thanks!".

Craig