I really need to vent...

**Dale-of-Cedars** · 9th February 13, 07:01 PM

I'm Asperger's too and my good lady and I have been married 36 years. After a few rough early years of not knowing why I was the way I was, we both figured out I needed time alone, and she needed time together, and we balanced it out. We only really understood where I was coming from after our son was diagnosed with Asperger's in High School, and boy it explained a lot about me too.

As everyone else has said, you need to work at marriage, but knowing ahead of time where you are both coming from should let each of you avoid unrealistic expectations about the other, and be supportive of the other's needs.

**TheOfficialBren** · 9th February 13, 07:05 PM

Thanks, Dale. That is SO true about us Aspies. I was diagnosed a few years ago at the age of 23. I am 28 now. It is a very commn story among us to be diagnosed later than many other conditions. It isn't always easy going through a NT world but we just chug along and get by.

I am amazed at how many of us there are out there!

**Dale-of-Cedars** · 9th February 13, 07:47 PM

Originally Posted by TheOfficialBren

I am amazed at how many of us there are out there!

My wife says: "That's because nerds are breeding more."

**TheOfficialBren** · 9th February 13, 07:51 PM

Hahaha! True dat!!

**Riverkilt** · 9th February 13, 08:54 PM

Important to figure out what attracts you to each other...hopefully its something healthy. Then critical that you both study up on your conditions so you can seperate out behavior due to your conditions from behaviors you can personalize...gotta be experts.

20 years as a marriage counselor most important thing is to just hold each other....hug without patting. Don't break your hug until she does. Tell her where you're going and for how long and hug and kiss her when you leave and when you get back and if plans change call and tell her. That's you honoring her anxiety. And as said...talk....do it like a talking circle. One of you talks until you're done while the other one listens...then switch...then discuss....every day after work.

Lots of great books on relationships from so many slants it'll confuse and confound. Key is the connection with each other - not some theory.

And, 20 years as an addiction therapist too....just double checking that drinking isn't involved with her anxiety and depression. Folks drink to reduce anxiety and wind up even more anxious. Folks drink to reduce depression and wind up even more depresssed.

And, of course, antidepressents will make your love life together more challenging...also important to know each others meds and all the possible side effects. That's back to seperating out how she really feels about you and what she may say or do from her conditions and/or medications.

If you can find a marriage/couples counselor who also well understands mental health it could be a treat you give your relationship.

And get some books on massage or go to a massage school....a loving massage is a great antidote for anxiety and depression both. Find and use jojoba oil...doesn't clog pores and a great long lasting massage oil.

**TheOfficialBren** · 9th February 13, 09:42 PM

Excellent! I was hoping that you would reply, Ron! Thank you for your advice. It is very much appreciated.

**Riverkilt** · 9th February 13, 10:17 PM

The neat thing about relationships is that if they don't work out there's another one waiting...like that country song, "Thank God for unanswered prayers." If I'd gotten what I wanted I'd be miserable today. Good luck with it. Play it out...if its good you win. If it doesn't work out you know you played it out.