A ... walks into a ... thread

[The Guy in the Kilt at UC]

A new fella in town walks into a pub and orders 3 drinks. He has a sip from one, then the other, then the third, and so on until all 3 beers are gone. Does the same thing everyday. Finally after a few weeks the curious bartender asks why he drinks that way. He replies, "Well I have one, plus two for me brothers back in Scotland." After about 2 months of his routine, the man walks in and orders just 2 beers. The bartender says to the guy, "I'm sorry did something happen to one of your brothers?"



"Nah," he says, "I've just given up drinking is all...."

[WeaselMender]

A guy walks into a bar followed by a short guy about 12 inches tall orders a scotch and reaches for it. The short guy jumps onto the bar and slaps the guy reaching for the scotch, downs it, and throws the glass through the window. The parton sighs"Not again" hands the bartender $1000 and orders another scotch.......the same thing happens. The patron orders a third scotch but the bartender says "Wait a minute, what's going on here" the patron sighs ans says" Last week I was walking down the beach and found a bottle, I opened it and of course the Djini pops out and gaves me 3 wishes. "So what did you wish for?" The bartender asked. " I asked for more money than I could ever spend, to quit drinking, and for a 12 inch prick, there he stands!"

Weasel :ootd:

[morrison]

Two friends were leaving the pub. One repeatedly fell flat on his face until one called a cab, carried the other to it and sent him home.
The next morning, the good samaritan friend received a phone call from the EXTREMELY upset wife of the one that got the cab ride home.
"You dribbling halfwit of a man! My husband spent the night sprawled in the flowers beside the driveway." She screamed into the phone at him. "Why didn't you put his wheelchair in the cab with him?

[Macman]

An Irishman was walking along the beach one fine day, when there before him in the sand was a magic lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it, and out came a genie.
The genie said "Since you have released me from the lamp, I will grant you three wishes".
The Irishman said "Well, to start me off, I'll have a bottle of Guinness!"
Poof! A bottle of Guinness magically appears in the Irishman's hands, and he downs the whole bottle in a draft. Immediately, the bottle is full again. The Irishman downs the whole bottle again. Immediately, the bottle is full again. The Irishman is aghast! He says to the genie "What's wit the bottle fillin' up again and again?"
The genie responds "That is a magic bottle. Whenever it is emptied, it will fill up again with Guinness, for all eternity. It will never emptly."
The Irishman blinks, thinks for a few seconds, looks at the bottle of Guinness, and says . . .








"Well, for me last two wishes, I'll take another couple o' these!"

[Big Mikey]

Paddy and Mike are out fishing on the lake when they spy a whisky bottle floating along. Mike grabs for the bottle and sees something inside. He pulls the cork and with a puff of green smoke, a leprechaun appears. "I'll be tankin' ya fer freein' me from dat bottle in which I've bin stook fer a hunert and fifty years. Now, seein' as I'm just a wee fella I can only be grantin' ya one wish. What'll it be?"

Before Mike can say a word, Paddy blurts out "I'm wishin' you could turn all this lake water into beer." "Done." says the leprechaun and he vanishes.

Paddy says to Mike "Well, what do you think?"

Says Mike "I think you're a damn fool. Now we have to pee in the boat!"

[davedove]

Two men are sitting at a bar.

First man: I've been here way too long. I am going to be in so much trouble when I get home.

Second man: Can't you just sneak in?

First man: It never works. I park my car a block a way so she won't hear it when I drive up. I take my shoes off to tip-toe across the floor. I even use the bathroom downstairs so she won't hear. But it never works; she always wakes up and chews me out.

Second man: You're doing it all wrong. When I've tied one on I'll swing the car into the drive and slam on the brakes, squealing the tires. I throw open the door and stomp across the floor and up the stairs. Then I'll throw open the bedroom door and yell out "Okay baby, I'm ready for some loving!" ... She sleeps through it all!

[Mr. Kilt]

Seamus and Willy spent the night drinking heavily in a pub. On the walk home they wandered along some railway tracks.
Willy says to Seamus, "Bloody hell, these stairs go on forever!"
Seamus replied "I don't mind the stairs so much, it's these low handrails that bother me."

[pdcorlis]

A guy with jumper cables walks into a bar, the keep looks at him skeptically and says "You can stay, but don't start anything!"

[greenman11]

A blonde walked into a bar that was across the road...........





Well Duh!


Wait for it.

[Doftya]

I have a photographic memory which I've never developed.

Now that's one I need to remember.