Divorce in my future?

[beerbecue]

Hi All,

First, let me say my absence has been due to a couple of factors. One, my new teaching position has taken a lot of time, as I am writing and preparing for two courses, and second, my wife didn't like me spending much time on the computer....

So, because of the new teaching position, I have had to work late into the evening, on the computer, preparing powerpoint presentations, outlines, handouts, etc.....

So now, the issue of trust, and her belief that I am doing something illicit and wrong on the computer has reared its ugly head again.... I will add that one of her best friends' husbands is an unemployed computer geek who is addicted to internet porn, so that doesn't help.

On the way to work this morning, she calls me on my cell phone and offers a separation/divorce and for me to move out with no strings attached - and doesn't seem to want to discuss this trust issue, or any others that we are having.

Anyway, I don't want a divorce or separation, but she says that she really hates me.

Do I just accept this, and move on, and deal, or do I continue to try to establish some dialogue and try to figure out why she lacks trust?

BTW, this is another reason why I never made it to any festivals or outings - she never wanted to go and expressed her displeasure in my interest in the kilt community.

[chasem]

Well, I don't like to give advice, especially on matters as serious as this, but I do have a strong opinion ont hese sorts of matters. I'm just going to point out a few things though.

I am the child of three divorces and an anullment. My mother and father have each been divorced twice (eachother, and a seperate spouse), and the anullment - well - I'm not going to speak on that much.

My mother is now happily remarried, and my father just came out of his second divorce within the last two years. It's difficult for everyone, especially the children (if you have any). I'm still trying to overcome the effects of the first divorce, though I don't feel like the latter ones will have much of an effect on me overall.

If nothing else, it's all served to keep me from wanting to get a divorce, ever. As a result of them, I feel like I will be placing emphasis on whatever I can to help prevent a divorce for me.

I've learned that communication is a very important factor in any relationship, especially a romantic/marital one. It has to be there. As does the trust.

Beyond that, I don't want to say much about your specific situation, but if it were me, I would certainly try to at least discuss it, get the feelings/thoughts out there, and take it from there.

I'm sorry I'm not much in the advice department, but I've learned over time that giving specific advice is a bad idea.

I hope that if nothing else, my post has slipped some ideas on how or why to get through it, or do whatever you need to do.

Beyond that, I wish you, your wife, and your children (again, if you have any) the best in this situation.

[millar]

Having been through this, albeit 12 years ago, I just want you to know that as dark as it seems now, there will be better times.

If it is the end there are some practical things to consider: children and visitation, bank accounts, pension/ira's, property ownership and pictures, and where you will now call home. Try to work these issues out between you and it will be a cheaper. Lawyers are expensive and if you start talking to each other through them it can ruin you financially. If you don't have kids, this situation is a whole lot easier. If you do remember you will see her at birthdays graduations and weddings for the rest of thier lives.

Good luck, Respect yourself, and keep your head high.

[Mike1]

Ouch! Once again, life happens...

Just as a suggestion, you might want to ask your wife if she would consider speaking to a counselor about some of the issues. Sometimes bringing in a trained, third party (that can be trusted) will let marriage partners open up a bit more.

I wish the best for you.

[ByDand]

My first wife refused to be seen in public with me if I was wearing the kilt. Actually it was an excuse not to be with me. It seems with the "hate" statement that she has moved on. I would hope that counseling with a counselor or a Minister, Rabbi or Priest will shed some light on the real problems you are facing. I would not wish an incident like this on my worst enemy, however, after my divorce I met a wonderful woman who understands my heritage and actually enjoys kilted days and evenings. I really did get lucky.

My thoughts are with you and I do hope you can work this out. If not, keep your head up and your kilt on.

[Bob C]

I'm not going to offer any advice. I don't meddle in issues I don't know enough about.

I will offer my hope that the situation works out to your happiness, and that we can tip a beer over together some time in the greater Binghamton area.

[Manu]

It sounds like a lack of comm to me. I would try and figure out what the deal is and why all the hate. If you really want her, fight for it, if you dont, then might as well just walk away. Regardless, I hope everything works out for you bro'.

[Colin]

Ouch! Once again, life happens...

Just as a suggestion, you might want to ask your wife if she would consider speaking to a counselor about some of the issues. Sometimes bringing in a trained, third party (that can be trusted) will let marriage partners open up a bit more.

I wish the best for you.

I second that. After the birth of our second child, my wife and I found we had no time for each other, and in turn when we had a rare moment together it would end in a fight. Anyway she suggested a marriage counselor as a third party to help direct dialouge. Marriage counselors are not your stereotypical shrinks, but are rather there to help you both learn a better way of communicating. I don't think my marriage was ever in any danger, but at the same time it was nice to release and get back to point.

Good Luck I hope it works out for you. Trust issues can be a real bitch, especially when they are unfounded.

[highlander_Daz]

My only advice is to communicate and if she has trust issues with the net then there is software that logs/prevents access to naughty websites -if she belives you are looking a websites of an unsavoury nature then by installing this kind of software will go some way in showing her you want to work with her to resolve matters.

I dont know what else to say but trust is the cornerstone of any partnership and if she feels she can trust you and you are making efforts to prove that your activities are innocent then maybe thats a step in the right direction.



I wish you well and good luck my friend

[LordDamax]

I'm going through something similar, although kilts are not the cause of the problem, just a convienent topic for her to latch onto and hate me for.

I've no advice as I dont know the situation. I will say, however, RESPECT is a CORE issue. If that woman has no respect for you, I see two things:

She doesnt respect you because of something stupid you did. Thats your fault, fix it, dummy

Or: She doesnt respect you because of who SHE is, and there is NOTHING you can do to fix that, short of therapy/medication and praying she changes her views. My wife has no respect for me whatsoever, and it's not for anything I've done. She doesnt respect who I am, the type of person I am, and a lot of it is for reasons due to her personality issues and depression.

If you have kids, try and make it work.

If you don't... try and decide if all the BS is worth it.

I have a kid, so I'm still here.

And as for the computer thing, thats a lack of trust. Does she have a reason to distrust you so deeply? If so, fix it, dummy. If not, then it's because well, she has no trust, and thus no respect for you. If you've dont nothing to deserve it, there's not a heck of a lot you can do to fix it. Other than to become the person she wants you to be, and I'd imagine, like most others on this board, changing who you are to meet the demands of your wife is NOT an option. Compromise, meeting in the middle, absolutely. Change at her demand, no way in hell.