Kilt(ish) jokes

[longshadows]

(Time to smile)

An American was hopelessly lost in the Highlands and wandered about for nearly a week. Finally, on the seventh day he met a kilted inhabitant. "

Thank goodness I've met somebody," he cried. " I've been lost for a week."

" Is there a reward out for you ? " asked the Scotsman.

" No." said the American.

" Then you're still lost."

[ByDand]

Now that is a good one.

[Mattg]

I've got one for ya....
Jock once attended a Temperance lecture given by Scotland's top medical man, a noted anti-drink campaigner. The speaker began by placing a live, wriggling worm in a glass of whisky. After a moment or two it died and sank to the bottom.
The speaker said quietly to the audience, "Now my friends, what does this tell us?"
Jock piped up, "If you drink whisky you'll not be bothered by worms!"

[Southern Breeze]

Since the subject came up....

A Scotsman & a Englishman are strolling along the beach when they find a lamp. They clean it up and out pops a genie.

"I'll give you each one wish for freeing me" says the genie.

The Englishman thinks then wishes. "I believe in an England for the English, I'm sick and tired of all these Scots coming into MY country. I wish for a huge wall around England - to keep the English in and the Scots out."

POOF and it's done.

The Scotsman thinks. "Genie?" he says "tell me about this wall". "Well" says the genie "it's 500 feet high, a third of a mile thick, nothing can get in and nothing can get out".

"OK" says the Scotsman "Fill it with water".

[TimC]

Now THAT'S a good one!

[Mattg]

I must agree!

[Southern Breeze]

Edward Longshanks (Edward I of England) travels North to conquer the Scots, and he brings 4,000 men with him.
As he nears the battlefield, suddenly there appears a solitary figure on the crest of the hill. It is short, ginger-haired man in a kilt."Hammer o' the Scots?" He yells! . "Come up here, ya English fools, and I'll give ye a hammerin'!"Edward turns to his commander. "Send 20 men to deal with that upstart, there's a good chap!", he says. The commander sends twenty of his best men over the hill to kill the Scotsman.Ten minutes later, at the crest of the hill, the little Scot appears again. "Ya English Jampots!", he yells. "Come on the rest of ye!! Come on, I'll have ye a'!!!" Edward is now very annoyed. He turns to his commander and says, "Send 100 men to kill that little guttersnipe!" The commander sends a hundred man over the hill to do the job.Ten minutes later, the little Scot appears at the top of the hill once more, his hair all sticking up, his shirt a wee bit torn. "Ya English SCUM!", he yells. "I'm just warming up!! Come and get me, ya English gits!!" Edward losses patience. "Commander, take 400 men and WIPE HIM OFF THE EARTH!", he yells. The commander gulps, but leads four hundred men on horseback over the crest of the hill. Ten minutes later, the little Scotsman is back. His clothing is all torn, his face is covered in blood, gore and Irn-Bru. "Is that the best ye can do??? You're bloody WIMMIN!!! Come on!! Come and have a go ya bunch of sissies!!!", he yells. Edward turns to his second in command. "Take 1000 men over that hill and don't come back till you've killed him!" he commands. The second in command gathers the men and they ride off over the hill to their fate. Ten minutes later, one of the English troops appears back at the top of the hill. He's covered in blood and his clothes are all torn. "Your Majesty!!" he yells. "It's a trap!!! There's TWO of them!!!"

[Iolaus]

Edward Longshanks (Edward I of England) travels North to conquer the Scots...

Now that one I like!!

[Mattg]

Here's another good one....
Jock was out working the field when a barnstormer landed.
"I'll give you an airplane ride for £5," said the pilot.
"Sorry, cannae afford it," replied Jock.
"Tell you what," said the pilot, "I'll give you and your wife a free ride if you promise not to yell. Otherwise it'll be £10."
So up they went and the pilot rolled, looped, stalled and did all he could to scare Jock. Nothing worked and the defeated pilot finally landed the plane. Turning around to the rear seat he said, "Gotta hand it to you. For country folk you sure are brave!"
"Aye," said Jock "But ye nearly had me there when the wife fell oot!"

[Mike1]

Now that one I like!!

There's even a tune for that one -

Grigaloo
(Matt McGinn)

Ten thousand Roman soldiers to the Hielands they came north
And they had conquered everything from the Tiber to the Forth.
They camped beside Loch Lomond, for the night they thought they'd lie,
But somewhere on the Cobbler hill they heard this terrible cry:

CHORUS:
Grigalee! Grigaloo!
Come up and fight, you cowardly crew!
I'll have you for my pot of stew!
You fear to fight with me!

On top stood a bearded Hieland man with a kilt and a big claymore
He looked a bit ferocious, so old Caesar sent up four.
Then he sat down for dinner by the bright light of the moon,
But he lost his taste for vino when four heads come rollin' doon.

CHORUS

Then Caesar sent Marc Antony wi' another fifty five.
"Gae bring to me that rascal's head, or I'll have you stewed alive."
They heard the clash of metal until the night was done,
But again they heard this terrible cry by the rising of the sun.

CHORUS

Then Caesar sent a thousand men, this Hieland man to crack,
But out of all the thousand, there was only one came back.
"Oh, Caesar!" cried the soldier, wi' his head all black and blue,
"The rascal has been lying! There's not just one, there's two!"

So Caesar picked his suitcase up and he ran southwards then
He was doin' eighty miles an hour, but he couldn't catch his men
Now maybe ye will wonder why I've told this tale at all
Well, it has a simple moral, an' they call it...Hadrian's Wall!

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