Piper McKay visits his pastor (joke)

[Kiltedfirepiper]

Piper McKay is sitting with his Pastor chatting, and confesses; "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the Pastor.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive, that looked like it was going to sail over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway, and then fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?" asked the Pastor.
"No, Father," says McKay. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth, and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Pastor again.
"Well, no." says Piper McKay. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed Pastor.
"No, Father. Oh no, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear THEN?" asked the Pastor.
"Oh no, Father. My ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about SIX inches from the hole."
The two of them were silent for a moment.
Then the Pastor sighed and said, "You missed the f***ing putt, didn't you?



edit: these were culled from bobdunsire.com "piping and drumming jokes "forum theres more below

Scott

[Big Dave]

OMG that's funny

[Kiltedfirepiper]

> Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when
> his telephone rings.
>
> "Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down
>
> at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you
>
> that we are officially declaring war on ya!"
>
>
>
> "Well, Monsieur Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news!
>
> How big is your army?"
>
>
>
> "Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is
> meself,
>
> me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team
>
> from the pub and that makes eight of us.
>
>
>
> Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Monsieur Paddy, that I have 100,000
> men
>
> in my army waiting to move on my command."
>
>
>
> "Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring ya back.
>
>
>
> Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is
>
> still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!" "Well, we
>
> have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
>
>
>
> Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you monsieur that I have 6,000 tanks
>
> and 5 000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to
>
> 150,000 since we last spoke."
>
>
>
> "Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to ya."
>
>
>
> Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is
>
> still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified
>
> Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the
>
> cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well."
>
>
>
> Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must
> tell
>
> you monsieur that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My
> military
>
> bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And
>
> since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"
>
>
>
> "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring ya back."
>
>
>
> Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr.
>
> Chirac! I am sorry to inform ya that we have had to call off the war."
>
>
>
> "Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change
>
> of heart?"
>
>
>
> "Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness
> and
>
> finally decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 French
> prisoners.

[Kiltedfirepiper]

Piper McKay is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.

With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!" The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "He should've quit while he was a head!"

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