We Know It's True

[Lachlan09]

A theological seminary student from Rome was making visits to see Catholic cathedrals around the World. While visiting the United States, he went to see St Patrick’s Cathedral in New York City. Whilst marveling at its beauty, he noticed a pay-phone on a wall just inside the nave. Above it was a sign “Talk direct to God - $ 200”. He spoke to a priest who confirmed that indeed he could talk direct to God for $200.

His next stop was Manila, Philippines and its Cathedral-Basilica. As he entered the venerable building, again he noticed a pay-phone and a sign saying “Talk direct to God – Php 9,500/US$ 200”. The priest there confirmed it was indeed true.

He next visited La Basilique du Sacré Coeur in Paris, France. There again, he saw a pay-phone and a sign saying “Talk direct to God – EUR 130/US$ 200”. Again, the priest confirmed it was real.

Lastly, he visited St Andrews RC Cathedral in Glasgow, Scotland. On entering he saw the now-familiar pay-phone, but this time the sign said “Talk direct to God - £3.50/US$5”. Totally surprised, he stopped a passing priest. He said “Father, I’ve been all round the World looking at churches and I’ve seen pay-phones just like this, but they all say ‘Talk direct to God - $ 200’ but yours says it costs only $ 5 – why is that ?”.

The priest smiled and replied “It’s a local call”.

[thescot]

Hahahahahaha. Same student was outside the Vatican when he saw the Lord coming up the sidewalk. He rushed into the pope's office and said, "Holy Father, Holy Father, Jesus is coming up the sidewalk. What do we do?"

The pope looked around a bit nervously and said, "Look busy."

[ChattanCat]

Lmao...

[Lachlan09]

One Sunday morning, on the Isle of Lewis, the minister of the Wee Free church was giving his flock a powerful speech on the evil of the demon drink. His booming voice and sharp, piercing eyes went into the soul of everyone there. But action speaks louder than words, so he arranged a demonstration.

He pulled a wee jar out from behind the altar, held it up and said “Here in this jar I have some worms wriggling about, as you can plainly see !”

Then bringing out a glass and a jug of water, he pours the water into the jug and says “Look at this glass into which I have poured God’s own pure, clear water. Now I will put a worm into that glass”. He plops a worm into the glass and holding it up, says “You see ? the worm is swimming around in the water, happy and healthy !”

Then he brings out a glass and a half-bottle of whisky, then pours some into the glass. He says “Now here in this glass I have poured some of that Devil’s brew, uisge mhath, which I confiscated from a sinner yesterday ! Now look what happens when I put a worm in there !!” He drops in a worm and holds up the glass. The worm spins around and twists and turns a few times, then goes straight as a rod against the wall of the glass.

The minister shouts triumphantly “See ? The worm is stone dead, killed by that evil Satan’s urine !!! So – what does this tell you ???”

Everyone looks at each other and at the flagstone floor then at the back of the wee church, old Calum speaks up “Well Minister, it means that if you drink enough whisky, you won’t get worms !”

[Lachlan09]

Glasgow Rangers manager Walter Smith flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football. He is suitably impressed and arranges for the lad to come over to Scotland.

Two weeks later, Rangers are 4-0 down to Aberdeen with only 20 minutes left.

Walter gives the young Iraqi striker the nod, and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation and scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Rangers.

The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch, he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day in Scottish football.

'Hello Mum, guess what?' he says. 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the boss, the fans, the media, they all love me'.

'Wonderful', says his Mum, 'let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, raped and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters - and all the while you were having such a great time !!'.

The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say Mum, except that I am very sorry?'

Sorry?!!!' says his Mum. 'It's your ***** fault we moved to Glasgow in the first place'!!

[piperdbh]

A lady was passing by the cathedral and asked a man on the street, "Is Mass out?" He replied, "No, but your hat's on crooked."

(Read it out loud. It'll help.)

[dfmacliam]

In church one Sunday morning, the preacher was giving his usual he'll, fire, and brimstone sermon, when there came a loud thunderous boom!

The Devil appeared and scared the people out of their wits.. He took pleasure in chasing everyone about, and watching the pandemonium. People were running everywhere, trying to flee the church and the presence of the Devil.. The Devil was smiling, till he spied a little old man, calmly sitting in the first row of pews..

The Devil approached this man and in a thunderous voice asked "do you know who I am?". The old man looked up and casually replied "yeah". "Do you realize,I could torment you, and make your life miserable?", questioned the Devil. "yeah", replied the old man.. "Aren't you afraid of me?", asked the Devil. "Nope", replied the man.

This furiated the Devil, as he set to make a massive show of his power.. Thunder boomed, lightening flashed, objects flying about.. People shaking with fear and breaking down and crying, uncontrolably.. The Devil looked back at the old man, still sitting calmly, and demanded " Why do you not fear me?". The old man looked up and replied " I've been married to your sister for 50 years now, and you have nothing on her!"