Quality of life question

[ozone]

I am looking for some input, especially from those who have faced this type of issue before.
The set up:
2 school-aged kids (2nd grade & 6th grade)
stay-at-home mom
in our current community for 5 years
About 20 years experience doing what i do for work

The options:
1: stay in the current metro area and take a job that pays 60% of what I have been making, doing what I've been doing for years, schools stay the same, and the commute is only 20-30 minutes

2: stay in the current metro area and take a job that pays 90-100% of what I have been making, schools stay the same, but commute is over an hour

3: Move next state over to new job that pays 100-150% of what I have been making, commute is 5-10 minutes, schools are ok/good, and it's in a teeny-tiny town far from everything else. One benefit: cost of living is 1/3 of current.

4: Move next state over to new job that pays 100-150% of what I have been making, commute is 10-15 minutes, schools are only good in spendy area of town (of course), and the job has a leadership opportunity. One benefit: cost of living is 3/4 of current location.

5: Move far away to new job that pays 70-90% of what I have been making, commute is 30 minutes, schools are good, and the job is 100% secure after 3 years. One benefit: cost of living is 3/4 of current location. Another benefit: the area is well known for those who wear kilts (it's still in the USA though)

6: Move far away to new job that pays 100-150% of what I have been making, commute is 15 minutes, I would need to get back into doing some things I haven't done for over 10 years, schools are ok/poor, and the job is in a remote but nice town. One benefit: cost of living is 1/2 of current location.

My concerns:
1: wife has made connections in local community
2: kids have made friends in local community/school
3: wife has horse and has made connections in horse community
4: I have made connections in the community with my flying hobby

I know, I know....first world problems. If anyone has faced similar job decisions, I would really like some thoughts. Especially as it relates to how your family handled things.

Thank you to anyone willing to answer.

[kiltedcontractor]

My opinion:
Commute of 30 ish min greatly improves YOUR quality of life.
Young kids make friends easily.
Your wife is likely to create new community with horse people.
Job security is very important
Don't move unless 135% or greater increase is "guaranteed "
Long commute beats you down as years go by.

Good luck

[Tarheel]

I admire that you would trust us with such important decisions. I personally have not been the best "life coach" for my own major changes. Therefore, I can't advise one of your choices over the other. I offer the best of luck with your final choice.

Be assured, we will still be here and as supportive as ever. That you can bank on even if other events change.

[The Q]

From a military family, (Grandfathers, Dad, Me, My Wife ) I've moved 20+ times in my life so I see no problem in moving. My choice would be Number 3, I hate big towns and Cities.
A good school and small town would be better and safer for the kids..

[pbutts]

You are fortunate to have choices.

There are two points I feel qualified to make. First as a teacher I will say that while moving is tough, at 2nd and 6th grade, they should adjust pretty well. Your oldest is certainly able to empathize with your situation and appreciate the move if it makes life better for all of you.

Second, I have a few thoughts about long commutes. My wife has just come off a ten year period of commuting about 80 minutes each way to work. For her, the unforeseen consequence has been a variety of health issues—in the back and more personal areas. Getting those hours back in her life has made time for regular exercise and other activities.

[BjornBsrkr]

I won't presume to give you advice on your specific options, but like others here have suggested - avoid commuting if you can.

Over the past three decades my 35 mile commute has expanded from 40 minutes each way to more than 20 hours a week. Yes, 2.5 to 3 hours to get home every evening! It grinds you down over time. I don't know of anyone who has gotten to the end of life and thought, "I wish I spent more time commuting".

The option that gives you more time with family and the other things you enjoy and still the means to enjoy them is usually the right answer.

Paul

[Tobus]

I'll chime in here on the commuting thing. My daily commute is 65 miles each way, and I've been doing this level of commuting for 18+ years. There are advantages and disadvantages to it, and whether you choose to accept such a commute should come down to your personality, family/home demands, and your intended way of life. It works well for me personally, because I cannot stand living in a large city. I don't have kids at home or any other major home demands which require me to get home as quickly as possible after work. So I can leave for work every morning at 5am to beat the morning traffic, and then slog my way home in the afternoon and be home by 6pm without feeling like I'm delinquent in my home responsibilities. (edited to add: or, since I don't have children, I can choose the level of home responsibilities I want in order to tailor them to my work/commute schedule.)

For me, the commute is worth it to leave the big city behind and provide some separation between my work life and personal life. I'm two counties away, so my taxes are lower, cost of living overall is lower, and my community is much more friendly and relaxed. I don't have to worry about school districts, although I do happen to live in a very good one. I'm able to afford a large, fabulous historic home that would be ridiculously unafforadable in the big city.

My commuting time (total of 2 to 2.5 hours each day) can be used constructively, despite the fact that I'm behind the wheel. Audio books, learning new languages, things like that. Or even just listening to music and focusing on the instrumentation (I'm an Old-Time fiddle, banjo, and mandolin player, so I do a lot of learning by listening to nuances in the music). You can make a commute into something besides sitting miserably in the car. Hopefully, within the next 10 years, we'll transition into self-driving cars and then the commute time can be used for all kinds of other stuff too!

It may be true that nobody ever went to their grave wishing they'd spent more time commuting. But it can also be true that many people went to their grave wishing they had made their home lives further away from the hustle and bustle of large cities. It just really comes down to what your priorities are with your personal time versus what you're providing for your family. No one can answer that but you.

[Baeau]

Sadly, I can understand how you feel, & some that replays in your mind. We, recently, had to relocate 25 miles from, what had been our home area. Not by choice. Needed to stay in the area (commute distance) due to:

- wife's job pays well
- the medical profession has cut hiring (a couple of major groups bought up the area Physicians), available positions lean, & majority are part time employment.
- two of the 'no longer tax deductions' live at home, their combined incomes could not afford to share an apt.
- the anchor, aging in-laws, one wading in Dementia, the other near 90.

Trivial drivel. SWMBO's opinion, should she change jobs........new friends will made. Same with new neighbours, hopefully. Me, I work out of the house (graphics, illustration, et cetera), no problem there (eh?). As the brood are trying to start their lives, carers(?), we wont move until they can survive. As time has passed, most of our friends moved away for work, or financial survival. If one isn't a techie, life is tough. Since friends moved, missing them is no issue. As for commuting, SWMBO & the eldest commute, about an hour each way. Up from a 15 minute drive, each way. The plus side of their drive, as we no longer live in the metro area, once they head to the hills, the both unwind. They've taken to dropping off the highway, & running the 'old road'. Lower speed, literally, no traffic. Lately, only skunk & deer. Home arrival, about 5 minutes later. I've noticed a distinct drop in stress upon their arrival home. I spent years commuting 160 miles/day. Against the traffic, both ways. Was it worth it? In my case, YES!!. I had one of those jobs, some would do anything for. I used the drive, to work out my day. Who to call, what to order, et cetera. The drive home, digest the day. Then, simply just unwind. My MGB had an am/fm noise maker, otherwise I, as Tobus put, would have learned a language, or listened to audio books.

After all of that, my questions are: "What point, or points (regarding any of your 6 points) do you & your wife agree on? Which one(s) don't you agree on? Finally, which one(s) do you lean toward, where she says, "You're on your own mate!"

More jumbled thoughts. As previously put, the kids will make friends. Up until High School (maybe Middle), they are portable. They will adjust. Will your wife be able to keep the horse, close by?

My apologies for the windy road this took. Working on a project, & putting down thoughts as they pop up. We are going through a similar thought process. Once the brood are out, we plan to leave Silicon Valley, for places out your direction. Some place where a simple house doesn't cost $1M.

[KiltedSergeant]

After thinking this over very carefully, and weighing all options, I believe there is only one thing you can do here that will certainly make you happy....................




Buy another kilt!