Snappy comebacks

[Verlyn]

One time some asked, "What's worn under a kilt, anyway?" while my wife and I were with some much younger people. My wife heard it, looked up and said, "Nothing's worn, it all works just fine, thank-you." Since this younger crowd thought she was quiet, they looks were absolutely priceless. Mostly wide eyes and dropped jaws. I still giggle when I think about that day.

[Ruanaidh]

When asked what I wear under the kilt I lean over and in my best stage whisper reply: "Underneath my clothes I'm completely naked."

[Kiltedfirepiper]

when my wiff-ee and i go out and someone asks, and she's nearby she'll come over put her arm around my waist look at me and say "well if he's good he'll be wearing my lipstick later!"
and I'll reply "did you bring the new tube of lipstick with you? you know how I hate it when you don't have enough to finish!"



that usually gets dinner plate eyes and agape mouths ( and I think a few envious glances from the ladies)

[ohneplo]

Just a few more additions. When asked . .

• By a man: It's the smallest airport in the world.....2 hangars and a night fighter.
• By a lady: A wee sporran.
• By a lady: Chanel No. 5. / Lipstick etc etc
• How badly do you want to know?
• To a lady at church: What God graced me with.
• Gi’e us your hand lassie, I’m a mon o’ few wurds
• “You know what your teacher used to say?....If you want to know the answer, put your hand up and find out.”
• For one Dollar, I'll tell you. For five Dollars, I'll show you. For ten Dollars, you can find out for yourself.


Top 15 favorite responses to women who ask "the question":

15) A lady doesn't ask and a gentleman doesn't tell!
14) If you want to get down on your knees, I'll show you!
13) As you can see.. my socks and shoes/boots!
12) The usual.
11) Well, well, well.. you must be the bad girl in your family!
10) I'll bet you didn't know that I wear a kilt.. just to meet women like you.
9) What do you think? Buy me a pint and maybe I'll let you check for yourself!
8) Well, I don't want to brag.. but this may be a turning point in your life!
7) Nothing is worn.. everything is in perfect working order!
6) Only my wife knows.
5) If I tell you, you're gonna want to see for yourself, just like the last dozen girls!
4) Of course it's true! But, if you want to check, you'll have to show me yours first!
3) If your hands aren't too cold, you can reach up under there and check for yourself!
2) How bad do you want to know?
1) Good girls don't ask.. but bad girls find out for themselves!

Fair winds,

Bruce

[Chef]

Ok, the best response I ever heard was the one my Uncle used. First he was a man of substance about 5'8" and a good 20 stone (280 lbs), you get the picture. Personally I don't think this one works for a slim person.

When the question was asked he would hesitate, look around slowly (as if to make sure no one else could hear) and then, while reaching into his sporran he would whisper and say, "well I don't like to talk about it in polite company but this

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...is my spare pair:

He had a small lacy pair that wouldn't go around his wrist never mind anything else. It always left them in the aisles...or very concerned . Of course it is all in the presentation.

[Lazarus Corrino]

Thanks to this tread I've gotten to use,

"How warm are your hands." and "My bagpipes are under my kilt."

Both got great responses.

Thanks again.

L

[Monkey@Arms]

My standard answers have already been listed. I once saw an old-school tourist item in Scotland (t-shirt, tea towel? can't remember) that said something along the lines that the answer would lead to a trip to the hospital: the ER for a gent and the maternity ward for a lassie.

Best regards,

Jake

[Amoskeag]

Two recently were: Are wearing anything under that?.... Only when I walk. That stopped the guy in his tracks. The other was going into soccer the other night, Hey You cant play soccer in a kilt! OK I'll take it off. No No No! Please don't!
I've really only been truly challenged once. After a kilted Lodge degree an old Scot from Ayrshire (sp?) grabbed my aprons and lifted them up high. The really sad thing about that whole affair was that my wife insisted that I put on underwear as I left the house as I was going to be seated in the East on a raised dais. It was not that I was embarrassed, it just that he would have gotten exactly what he deserved! it was all in good fun and at more than 80 years old I let him get away with it. (Now you know the secrets of Masonry!)
Bob

[sharpdressedscot]

"What's underwear?"

[Dukeof Kircaldy]

Well, This was my fav.

One of the classic replies comes only to one particular variant of the question:

"What's worn under the kilt?"

"Nothing's worn, lassie, everything's in perfect working order."

Did you know that Scots never fought wearing the kilt? They took them off to do battle. That was the secret of their success.

Imagine an army like that chasing you!