Q: Do you play the pipes?
A: Nope. I like my neighbors too much.

Q: Are you wearing your kilt like a true Scotsman?
A: Sure am! I wrap it around the waist and the pleats stay in the back.

Q: What do you wear under your kilt?
A1: Hose, shoes and talc.
A2: On a good day, perfume. On a great day, lipstick!
A3: I could show you but you'd just laugh.

Q: Why are you wearing a kilt today?
A1: I was told I'd be arrested if I didn't.
A2: Because some one has to show some leg today. (To a snooty lady cheerleading coach wearing sweats at our local coffee shop)
A3: Too many guys are wearing shorts.
A4: I like to challenge the pick pockets.